Chug Bleach

IT'S NOT RACE BAITING IF I'M CRAZY!!!

2008-07-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

Rick Davis is tired of people implying that he's somehow trying to further the notion that 'Barack Obama is just here for the white women.'

"His campaign actively has been feeding to journalists, all night last night and all day today, the notion that somehow something that we have done in our campaign — which I could not identify to you today — somehow had racial overtones," he said, in an apparent reference to the claim — seen on liberal blogs — that pairing Obama with two oversexed young white women carried a racial edge.

Rick Davis' complete disbelief over the implied racial implication of the ad is not shared by William Barron Hilton, billionaire benefactor of the Republican party and grandfather of implied-Obama-lust-object Paris Hilton. He is, in fact, rather upset:

I hear whispers from the inner campaign staff that the phone was burning off the hook today with calls from Paris Hilton’s grandfather, William Barron Hilton (co-chair of the Hilton Hotel empire), furious that the McCain ad drew an unflattering comparison between Obama and his own granddaughter.

That's our Walnuts!

LANNY DAVIS IS NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU INTO SEX

2008-07-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Plead for me, Lanny.

In the final analysis, to repeat, this is Sen. Obama's personal and political decision and he must be comfortable with the choice. I respect that. I honor that. These are my best arguments that it is in his political interest and his future administration's interest to have Hillary Clinton by his side on the ticket as vice president -- as a cheerleader and articulate supporter, as a candid adviser, and as a friend inside the White House with eight years of frontline experience of what it's like.

It's not that Tim Kaine--who eats the souls of the unborn--or Evan Bayh--who is a deranged sex criminal--would be bad Vice Presidents. It's just that Hillary would be better than all of them, because, well, whatever. Now don't worry, I'm just going to put my hand on your thigh, like this.

Let Lanny do his thing.

HI, I'M GOING TO PRISON

2008-07-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be ironic if he ended up in Ted Stevens Federal Penitentiary?

From May 1999 to August 2007, prosecutors said Stevens concealed "his continuing receipt of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of things of value from a private corporation." The indictment released Tuesday said the items included: home improvements to his vacation home in Alaska, including a new first floor, garage, wraparound deck, plumbing, electrical wiring; as well as car exchanges, a Viking gas grill, furniture and tools.

Stevens has since pleaded 'not guilty'. And everybody totally believes him, which is why they're desperately giving away the dirty, dirty money he's contributed to them.

ZOINKS!

2008-07-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

JOHN McCAIN ACTUALLY A TURTLE?

Developing....

There's dignity and honor to reporting. I mean, real reporting--interviews, source cultivation, research--that informs readers, and which leads to well-reasoned analysis. I love reporting,
and find it to be an addicting habit; not unlike hard drugs or public exposure.

Which makes it hard to write here, as there's no actual reporting going on. Thus, I've edited the layout slightly to allow for bigger pictures and shorter entries, the majority of which will feature hallowed leaders of our nation looking senile. For instance, in the above picture, John McCain looks like an unhappy turtle.

Thankfully, it's almost a given that running for national office seems to ensure that you look kind of ridiculous, so there will be no lack of content. Now, I'm going to go back to reading The Best of IF Stone. And to cry a little bit.

Veterans, Veterans Everywhere (Now Let's Go Invade Cuba)

2008-07-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

“John McCain is a great man.”

The speaker’s name was Bill Metzger, a retired captain dressed in a dowdy blue suit, his voice carrying over the crowd sternly. He knew John McCain was a great man because he had been a POW alongside him in Hanoi. He knew because, even as they both suffered daily from untreated injuries, John McCain had given up his chance for early release.

“John McCain has been tested. John McCain passed the test. I know, I was there.”

Up to this moment, as roughly fifty people gathered this morning in the Remembrance Garden outside of Benaroya Hall, for the kick-off rally of Washington Veterans for John McCain, Metzger had the crowd in the palm of his hand. It was the kind of ‘band of brothers’ rhapsodizing that drives grown men to tears.

And then he went off message.

John McCain running against Barack Obama was like “Ronald Reagan running against Fidel Castro.”

Oh well.

This event was held on the first day of ugly weather in recent memory and emceed by another member of the steering committee for Washington Veterans for McCain, former Navy captain Doug Roulstone. Roulstone was picked in 2006 to run against Congressman Rick Larsen and had been joined on the campaign trail by Dick Cheney. It went about as well for him as you’d expect.

Now Roulstone was declaring that this was “the first skirmish in a war! Become part of this McCain army!”

It brought cheers from a crowd that was a mixed bag of older veterans and younger servicemen. Shout-outs to McChord Airforce Base and Fort Lewis were big applause lines. Roulstone informed me that he intended to use that reservoir of veterans to flip Washington to McCain. “There are 640,000 veterans... There’s this huge demographic of military people potentially supporting McCain. We’re out here to build up that coalition.”

All of this (aside from the less-than-obvious parallels between Senator Obama and Fidel Castro) stayed close to the patriotic script, obviously passed down from McCain headquarters.

The real prize, for me, was an interview I got with a former Clinton supporter whose only problem with Barack Obama is “his lack of a clue.”

Her name is Brandy Fraser—“No ‘i’ and no ‘z’!”—and she had been waving a sign reading “Democrats for McCain” enthusiastically throughout the entire event. She smiled broadly, her eyebrows drawn on thickly.

“A lot of Hillary supporters cannot, in good conscience, support Obama,” Fraser told me, a small crowd of McCain supporters circling us. She was a “lifelong Democrat,” though admitted that she’d occasionally cross over to vote for a Republican. “I’m a candidate voter.”

The journey of Brandy Fraser started in the caucus in her native Monroe, where she had made the decision that she would never support Barack Obama for the presidency. She wouldn’t go into specifics, but his policies were, across the board, a turn-off for her. His books frightened her, hearing them read in his own voice frightened her more.

“I grew up in the Vietnam-era,” she explained. Wait, what?

Distinctly aware of the people listening in on our conversation, I asked her if she was pro-choice, and if she was aware that John McCain had said he would appoint judges that would overturn Roe v. Wade.

“I do have an issue with that. And I am willing to take that risk, for the benefit of the country on all the other issues… My choice is to look at the bigger picture.”

That bigger picture now encompasses voting for Dino Rossi as well, as Fraser said she wouldn't vote for Gregoire, "If she was the only one running."

The Democrats apparently have quite a hill to climb if they want Brandy Fraser's vote back.

Great Moments in Campaign Strategy

2008-07-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Campaign Lackey: "Senator, the latest polling from Montana looks disastrous! What should we do?"

(Pause. A look of consternation passes Senator McCain's face. His eyes suddenly come alive. Is he going to call someone a cunt?)

J Mac: "I'll tell you what we're gonna do... we're going to Mexico! Everybody in the plane! Find me Lieberman!"

Campaign Lackey: "But sir, why?!"

J Mac: "Don't you question me, you fuck! This campaign will be won in Mexico! YEEHAW!"

(Senator McCain draws six-shooters, dancing wildly while firing into the air.)

His polling aggregates are at the point of collapse, and his opponent is touring his base states. What the fuck is he doing in Mexico City?

When Was The Last Time Barack Obama Slang Yayo?

2008-06-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

Ralph "Thug Lordz" Nader wants to take Barack Obama back to the hood, and remind him that you can get shot just for breath'n.

"There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American," Nader said. "Whether that will make any difference, I don't know. I haven't heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What's keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white? He doesn't want to appear like Jesse Jackson? We'll see all that play out in the next few months and if he gets elected afterwards."

The problem is, Obama has laid out his stance on urban poverty. While it comes in the same form as most campaign policy proposals (heavy on the one sentence pitch, light on the details), it's still there, where a presumably literate Ralph Nader could read it.

But when you came up from the gutter like Ralph Nader--or, watched it on The Wire like Ralph Nader--the only thing that matters is credibility. Ralph Nader: a new spokesman for black people everywhere.

Now Who Will Engage in Semi-Anonymous Slander?

2008-06-20T15:44:00.001-07:00

The 527s—those frisky, often fact-free independent campaigns that brought us the tragic verb 'swift-boated'—appear to be coming undone at high speed, and for two very different reasons. On the left, Senator Obama is cutting off their traditional sources of funding, hoping to direct his campaign's message down to the syllable. On the right is Senator McCain:

The truth is that, less than five months before Election Day, there are no serious anti-Obama 527s in existence nor are there any immediate plans to create such a group.

Conversations with more than a dozen Republican strategists find near unanimity in the belief that, at some point, there will be a real third-party effort aimed at Obama.

But not one knows who will run it, who will pay for it, what shape it will eventually take or when such a group may form.

Jonathan Martin's write-up focuses big on a couple of reasons why John McCain doesn't seem to be winning the affections of those who would target Obama.

The first appears to be John McCain's open derision of independent political organizations, even those that aired ads on purely positive terms for him during his primary campaign. Early in the process, when Romneys and Giulianis walked the earth, McCain had called for outlaw 527s in their entirety, and made it known that he wouldn’t tolerate them working on his behalf. While his position has softened, nothing says, 'Advocate for me!' like knowing that the man you're making ads for thinks you're a kind of mean, ethically-challenged reptile that should be thrown in prison.

The other missing cog is Senator Clinton: They really, really wanted to run against Hillary.

“We spent 18 months and millions of dollars making Hillary: The Movie," laments David Bossie, head of Citizens United and a longtime Clinton tormentor. “We’re incredibly proud, but the problem is the film has no relevance anymore.”

I bet Hillary: The Movie would have been pretty fantastic. Bossie says he intends to make an Obama film featuring such beloved cast members as the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, but Obama doesn't have the same vintage appeal to the id of the conservative right.

How many bodies are in Arkansas landfills because of Barack Obama’s clandestine cocaine-smuggling ring? My guess would be considerably less than those deposited by the Clinton family. And how do you make a film out of that?

Barack Obama, Women-hating Telephone Fascist

2008-06-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

Women-hating extremist Barack Obama (and his band of fellow women-hating staffers) strikes again, this time during feminism-activist John McCain's conference call regarding campaign finance. You see, Obama's spokesman tried to interrupt the call and state Obama's position, and... forget it. Just read the quote, and die a little inside:

UPDATE: [McCain Communications Director] Hazelbaker writes in to add an even tougher shot at Burton's gambit, raising the gender card.

"This type of boys-club bullying embodies an arrogance better suited for a frat house than a serious campaign about serious issues," she says.

The context is kind of hard to explain: Somewhere down the hideous rabbit-hole of this campaign season, the conventional wisdom became that the best way to disseminate information to the press was via endless rounds of conference calls. Which is perfect, in a 'most-of-the-campaign-workers-already-seem-to-be-disembodied-voices-of-malice' sense.

So, an Obama staffer attempts to interrupt McCain's conference call, and the most disgusting, lurid kind of sexism seeps through. The kind of sexism directed from one man to another, on an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with either party's gender. Also, it's like a fraternity, in that fraternities have given up on GHB and moved into the more nuanced field of disrupting political phone calls.

Am I right, ladies?

Patti Solis-STFU

2008-06-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

A quiet note for those of a political persuasion: obsessions over subjects like Obama's hiring of former Clinton campaign manager Patti Solis-Doyle within the media are because we're in a lull in real campaign news, and because that's the incestuous world that they live in.

Unless you're being paid to do so, if you've spent ten minutes thinking about what the implications of her hire are, get a hobby. Have you tried dropping a weight on your genitals?

I hear it's fantastic.

Slighting the Revolution

2008-06-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

The 'Top Two' primary is to third party activists what The Rapture is to vengeance-enthused Evangelicals.

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Ryan. The Paulbearers know some things that you obviously don't, because they are very close to taking over the GOP in quite a few Legislative Districts and counties in this state, including King and Pierce Counties.

How do I know this? I won't tell you. Pretend that you're a reporter and do some digging.
Here's a hint: It has something to do with the Top Two primary.

Paulbearers. This fucking country.

There Is No Obama Hispanic Problem.

2008-06-17T15:49:00.001-07:00

The recent NBC poll on Hispanic preference for the next president isn't just interesting for the fact that a major piece of conventional wisdom appears to have been based on mind-blowingly inane supposition—it's also interesting for the fact that the NBC political team is using the kind of language that makes it nearly impossible for anyone to continue using Obama's Hispanic problem as a talking point and retain any kind of credibility.

In addition to our recent NBC/WSJ poll, which showed Hispanics breaking for Obama 62%-28%, a new survey of 800 Latino voters from 21 states finds that 60% of them plan to vote for Obama versus 23% for McCain. That is down considerably from the 40%-plus Bush received in 2004. It’s no longer fair to say that Obama has a problem with Latino voters; McCain does. This was a case of conventional wisdom that was never based on fact, just semi-informed speculation based on primary exit polling and bad stereotypes of Latinos.

Polling is a really shoddy way to make a fact-based argument, unless the polling indicates a seismic 37% gap between two candidates. In which case, it is probably safe to say that Hispanic voters favored Clinton over Obama, but overwhelmingly favor Obama over McCain.

It's also worth noting that in a post-Russert world, this is another Caveman Dunk for Chuck Todd's NBC political unit, who have been ripping the still-beating heart out of dumb, fact-free narratives for almost the entirety of primary season.

Give the man the job.

Ron Paul Cannot Be Killed

2008-06-17T15:44:00.001-07:00

Unsuccessful runs for the presidency—and especially campaigns that show that faint glimmer of success, only to be stomped on by the realities of the process—seem to adhere to a kind of ghoulish, ‘high school yearbook signing’ orthodoxy. Everyone promises that this is only the beginning of a lifetime friendship, and then they form a political action committee, and then they slowly cease having any relevance in your life.

It would appear that Ron Paul wants to sign your yearbook.

The Revolution was officially suspended last Friday night, and has now contorted itself into The Campaign for Liberty, which will carry forth the Paul message of limited government, airships, and tearing down the elaborate Rothschild-created banking structures that secretly run our lives from cradle-to-grave.

Here are some of the choicer ‘grassroots’ moments from their “Strategy” section:

• Encouraging the formation of discussion groups and book clubs at the local level to help people learn more about our ideas.

• Establishing a speakers bureau to give presentations around the country about the great principles we champion.

• Developing materials for homeschooling families, to help them educate their children in history, sound economics, and related fields.

Obviously, what doomed fellow Texan Ross Perot’s independent efforts to reshape the American electorate was his unwillingness to declare to his followers that it was finally time to yank their children out of school and give them a Perot-based education on the cruel realities of history and economics.

To digress slightly, there is a precedent for what Paul is hoping to do here: you don’t need to look any further than Howard Dean’s perch as Chairman of the Democratic Party to see that movement-based politics, if applied with enough enticements for the existing power structure, can actually change things.

But the problem is, Paul doesn’t want control of something as minor as the leadership of some National Committee. He wants to tear down the party and reshape it into a cross between an oddly noble brand of Jeffersonian literalism and shrill pamphleteering for backwoods militia groups. And unlike Dean, the Revolution isn't interested in incremental change. Its brand of politics is as unpalatable to the Republican Party as the Green Party's is to the Democrats.

When you combine that with Paul’s decision to toss out his real leverage, which would have been a third party run for the presidency… well, it doesn’t seem to bode well for the future prospects of the Revolution. Which must be of some relief to the Rothschild-Rockefeller banking axis, and a cruel arrow to the heart of the the nascent zeppelin industry.

My Descent Into Hackdom

2008-06-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

It's an important time in every young journalists life when he's told by a member of the 9/11 Truth Movement that maybe he should just go work for FOX NEWS!!!!

Not a bad start, Ryan, if your goal is to work for Fox news.
You have to always push the masses further to the right by selecting the most progressive political figures and making them appear crazy. Carefully select images and soundbites that plant this message in the minds of the viewers. Make sure to grossly exaggerate and place out of context anything that supports your view.

For instance, when McKinney tried to sidestep a metal detector (as congress is legally allowed to do) and is stopped and felt up by a police officer, make it sound like she "punches people who get in her way".

When she questions an official conspiracy story and calls for a more thorough investigation of 9/11, just say she thinks "you'll find Dick Cheney at the bottom of 9/11".

When she makes the personal observation "Gore's 'Negro Tolerance Level' has never been too high." in response to a lawsuit filed on behalf of 250 black Secret Service Agents who alleged that they have been systematically discriminated against and a report that a quota was placed on the number of black Secret Service officers who would protect Vice President Gore, just say she "believes that Al Gore has a deep-seated hatred for the black race."

If you ever consider becoming a real journalist you might consider actually reading the sources of rumors you post about and perhaps expanding your sources beyond mainstream corporate American media such as the NYT and "Slate". Perhaps balance it out with foreign and independant sources for different points of views which can help you be a little more objective and intelligent in your own reporting.

My apologies to congresswoman McKinney. 9/11 might well have been a conspiracy, Al Gore really does cringe at the sight of black people, and the correct posture when confronted by the Capitol police is disbelief over them even making eye contact with you, and then violence.

Also, Slate? Run directly from the White House. From Dick Cheney's fucking brain, man.

(Maybe just Mickey Kaus.)

Like An Orgasm, Except Not Exactly

2008-06-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

For weird reasons of fate and career posturing, this publication is going to be slowly resuscitated, run through the paces, and eventually unleashed like a dumb, angry animal...

... again.

And no, this time I'm not allowed to fall off the wagon and do something more interesting, as a great deal of the content here will be syndicated from sources which will be paying me.

In short: I have a little internet cage, from which I will pace back and forth, developing nervous disorders before your eyes. As for you? You've got a fantastic perch from which to watch personal desperation and ribald political commentary in equal measure. Soak it in, baby.

Now, with that out of the way, let's snort some adderall and get started!

The Death of The eXile

2008-06-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

The eXile—the much hated/beloved Moscow biweekly that launched the career of Rolling Stone writer Matt Taibbi and continued to publish the works of Russian dissident author Eduard Limonov well after it had become dangerous to do so—has reached its fatal end with the censorship authorities in the new Medvedev government.

From the English language daily The Moscow Times:

Mark Ames, editor and founder of The eXile, was scheduled to meet Thursday with inspectors from the Federal Service for Mass Media, Telecommunications and the Protection of Cultural Heritage, he said by telephone Wednesday...

Ames said he did not know which articles were of interest to the inspectors, but he suggested that one possibility were columns by Eduard Limonov, founder of the banned National Bolshevik Party and a vehement Kremlin foe.

He conceded that many other eXile editions could have riled the authorities.

The eXile, which publishes Gonzo-style journalism on topics such as drugs, prostitution and Moscow nightlife side-by-side with political analysis, has often pushed the limits of decency -- not to mention libel law.

The speculation was later confirmed by Mark Ames himself in Radar—wherein he notes the special joys of running a collapsed business venture co-owned by a member of the notoriously unkind world of Russian organized crime.

It's not to say that The eXile was always an insightful or even a particularly well written paper; when Taibbi departed for life back in America, Ames often covered for a shortage of ideas with the laundry list of things he'd inject into himself to better enjoy listening to Husker Du, or his successful transactions with Moscow’s prostitutes. But quality dips aside, The eXile was an important document chronicling the descent of Russia from Yeltsin's wild, lawless kleptocracy to Putin's new police state. They called 'bullshit!' loudly and earnestly on America's aimless privatization plan for the post-Soviet Russian state, and when the going got rough, they settled a dispute with New York Times Moscow bureau chief Michael Wines by hitting him in the face with a horse semen pie.

They were occasionally demeaning and stupid, but they were never dull—and that has to count for something in the grand scheme of media. The paper is holding a fundraiser to help get their website infrastructure hosted somewhere off of Russian soil, and probably to keep Ames from being murdered by his business partners.

It's McKinney Mania!

2008-06-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

[As originally published for The Stranger]

While this weekend may have officially ended Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the presidency, for some the battle still rages. The time invested was too long, the emotional toll was too high, the hours of hard drugs and internet message-board rage too pure: nothing can make them cast a ballot for a woman-hating fanatic like Barack Obama.

Women are expected to only care about abortion - not their self respect.

The cries for “Unity” are heard in abundance, in full shout, from those that sowed the seeds of division. However, the seeds of division have borne a bumper crop this year.

Democrats like Obama/Dean/Brazille/Pelosi think they can wave the red flag of ‘Supreme Court’ or ‘Abortion’ and women will come running to the aid of the Democratic? Party and forget the misogyny Obama/Dean/Brazille/Pelosi never spoke against while Hillary and her supporters were belittled and denigrated.

But, why McCain as a protest candidate? If, as many are claiming, the misogyny of the Obama campaign was driving them to vote Republican… wouldn’t it be kind of a hypocritical back flip to vote for a hardened opponent of women’s reproductive rights? A guy who left his previous wife in the midst of crippling medical problems, and who handed out the following impromptu fashion advice to his present wife during his first run for the Senate in 1992:

"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."

Who knows, maybe her makeup was really badly put on that day. Or maybe Senator McCain was just having a really bad day. But honestly, isn’t it a little discomforting to know that your protest vote is going to a guy who doesn’t seem to respect women all that much? Or, at all?

Which brings me to a kind of suggestion for a Grand Compromise: why not vote third party? Specifically, why not vote for Cynthia McKinney? You’ve already made the decision that you want to put John McCain in the White House, but why not do so carrying the metaphorical trash bag of righteous indignation that voting for the Green Party candidate grants you?

Cynthia McKinney isn’t some humorless leftist like Ralph Nader or Dennis Kucinich, were you know that what they’re saying is probably the right answer, but the hopelessness of the political reality makes it come across as a certain shade of obtuse and sad.

McKinney punches people who get in her way.

McKinney believes firmly that when you cut away the conspiracy, you’ll find Dick Cheney at the bottom of 9/11.

McKinney believes that Al Gore has a deep-seated hatred for the black race.

Does she have the rhetorical flair of a Ron Paul Revolution? Of course she doesn’t, but you can’t expect every political outsider to develop a well-funded cult around them with a flair for Depression-era political theater. What Cynthia McKinney offers is crazy. Crazy in bulk. Crazy in oil tanker-like excess.

The kind of crazy you can believe in. The kind of crazy that justifies a protest vote against Barack Obama.

Goodnight, Sweet Demagogue

2008-03-29T00:21:00.001-07:00

What Slate's new 'Hillary Deathwatch' feature lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in being a mercilessly accurate portrayal of the gorgon in her last days on the presidential stage.

To start off, we're putting her odds at a generous 12 percent. (Last week, a Clinton campaign official gave her one-in-10 odds.) At the moment, polls indicate that Obama has survived the Jeremiah Wright flap (for now). Clinton's Bosnia blunder has metastasized from a headache into a five-day circus. Bill Richardson finally climbed down from his fence onto Obama's side. And a Michigan court yesterday deemed the state's Jan. 15 primary unconstitutional and declined to order a revote, effectively smothering the last glimmer of hope for a deus ex Michigana bailout. Meanwhile, a new poll puts her favorability rating at 37 percent—its lowest since March 2001

Sadly, we may never know what her 'Solution for America' really was, though it seems a kind of inarguable certainty that some hapless demographic was going to be sluiced through merciless juicing machines: turning them into a kind of high-nutrition slurry that could be then bought for unreasonable amounts of money at your local Whole Foods.

Who am I kidding? She's a woman who looks for answers along the path of least resistance, and the Victims of the Juicing would almost certainly be the same 65-year olds who she relies on as her electoral shock troops.

Wait, what?

Drink it in, America

2008-03-28T13:34:00.001-07:00

Krugman: This Time, Things Won't Be Different!

2008-01-29T01:43:00.000-08:00

Paul Krugman's new NYT column: Everything about this election is like 1992 exactly, except things that are not.

It’s starting to feel a bit like 1992 again. A Bush is in the White House, the economy is a mess, and there’s a candidate who, in the view of a number of observers, is running on a message of hope, of moving past partisan differences, that resembles Bill Clinton’s campaign 16 years ago.

Now, I’m not sure that’s a fair characterization of the 1992 Clinton campaign, which had a strong streak of populism, beginning with a speech in which Mr. Clinton described the 1980s as a “gilded age of greed.” Still, to the extent that Barack Obama 2008 does sound like Bill Clinton 1992, here’s my question: Has everyone forgotten what happened after the 1992 election?

Let’s review the sad tale, starting with the politics.

And that sad tale? Bill Clinton, who was Barack Obama except in 1992 and not black, was elected as a beloved and talismanic figure, then clubbed/skinned like a baby seal by right wing demagogues because, well, Vote For Hillary, that's why, fucker.

As eminent scholar Jim Newell of Wonkette notes, this is way, way dumber than Bill Kristol's Times op-ed. That takes a special level of print media daring too, because Kristol is cavorting in the whole South Carolina racial issues thing this week.

State of the Union Less Interesting Than Sleeping

2008-01-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

The intent was totally to do a short write up of the State of the Union address. It often feels weird to think of Bush as our president still; I'm sure he still does things, I'm just not sure what they are. This might just be a matter of personal ignorance, or a causal side effect of how fucking pumped I am for President Mitt Romney. It's almost certainly one or the other.

The moment Brian Williams appeared on the screen, I had a pretty good feeling I was done for. It was a fitful sleep, and I remember awaking sporadically to see old white people standing and applauding, seemingly at random. I woke up sometime during Postpartisan It Girl and Obama bff Katherine Sebelius' Democratic response.

Her speech was folksy and fun, in a Midwestern-Cyborg-reads-from-teleprompter kind of way.

Romneytron Casts Gaze to Michigan. Michigan Winces.

2008-01-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

(As posted in alt-weekly bastion The Stranger)

Tuesday's primary in Michigan won't really matter to the Democrats—the state was stripped of Democratic National Convention delegates after it decided to move up the date of its primary, and has been boycotted by most of the field of Democratic contenders. On the Michigan ballot, the three leading liberal lights are Clinton, Kucinich, and Uncommitted. However, Michigan could play a decisive role in the Republican fight, sending one of the most beloved of the conservative cast members stumbling back to Massachusetts.

Mitt Romney needs to win something, anything, to continue to justify his well-coiffed presence in the race, and his father's old stomping ground of Michigan could be that magic state that saves "Mitt-stravaganza '08" from an early and ignoble end.

Here's the late numbers, from Politico GOP campaign embed Jonathan Martin:

The breakdown:

McCain: 27
Romney: 26
Huckabee: 19
Giuliani: 6
Thompson: 5
Paul: 4

The poll was taken Wednesday through Sunday, so it includes McCain's New Hampshire bounce.

Predictably, McCain is doing well among indies and Dems while Romney leads among Republicans.

Also worth noting is that McCain has a strong precedent in the state (having beaten Bush there in 2000) and Martin reports that Huckabee may be quietly and effectively weaving his folksy spell on Michigan's evangelical voters, often thought to be part of the Romney base.

For what its worth, Romney claims he will continue, even if it means a third silver medal—or worse.

Did Obama Think of the Children Before Becoming a Degenerate Cocaine Abuser?

2008-01-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

When not busy purveying new episodes of "Beef: The Series," Black Entertainment Television founder Bob Johnson reminded South Carolina that Barack Obama used to wake every morning in the ghetto and hoover mountains and mountains of cocaine, often while a heartbroken member of the Clinton family begged (begged!) him to stop, if not for himself than for the example he was setting for his people.

Or something:

BET founder and prominent Hillary Clinton supporter Bob Johnson said Sunday he is 'insulted' with the Obama campaign's latest criticisms of Clinton, and appeared to take aim at the Illinois senator for his admitted drug use as a young man.
"As an African American, I'm frankly insulted that the Obama campaign would imply that we are so stupid that we would think Bill and Hillary Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues when Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood that I won't say what he was doing but he said it in his book," Johnson said while campaigning with Clinton in Columbia South Carolina.

In Johnson's defense, this is probably only the third most embarrassing thing a Clinton campaign surrogate has said this month. Unless you count the inevitable "Hillary Going Negative!" media narrative that's almost certainly going to unravel from this, in which case its like the second.

If You Tapped Out, We'd Still Be Together

2007-09-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

My domain host went all Chris Benoit on me.

Virginia is for Political Bloodlettings

2007-09-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

These are the kind of things that dreams are made of:

That’s right! According to The Hill, Patrick Buchanan is being discussed as a possible candidate for Senate in Virginia. Unlike the other two likely candidates, Rep. Tom Davis and former Gov. Jim Gilmore, Buchanan is both an outspoken conservative and an aggressive campaigner. His candidacy would be a welcome addition to the Republican field.

The idea of a Buchanan vs. Gilmore primary would be absolutely mind blowing; Gilmore, who ran for president with his only hope being that people would eventually come to embrace the fact that he's a total fucking reptile, versus a man who has spent the last decade of his life preparing us for the brutal realities of the coming Race War against the Mexicans.

Life is, until this dream is smashed with all the others, good again.

No one tell Lou Dobbs

2007-08-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, btw- I've been in Mexico City for the last week, and will continue to be so until the fifth.

I'll bring you back something nice.

The Animal Inside

2007-08-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

The question before us:

"How many other campaigns for president are willing to give Furries the right to marry?"

Debatable

2007-08-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me more and more that in writing about the debates, you could probably start making shit up and nobody would be the wiser:

"The real turning point of the debate seemed to be when a clearly agitated senator Chris Dodd began referring to his fellow candidates as "dumb pussies," and offered to fight anyone in the audience who disagreed with him.

Despite audible consternation in the audience, Dodd continued menacingly, "I've killed enough hookers, cats, and homeless people in my life to know that the world is a cold, dark, hole that you can never escape from: that's the perspective I'll bring to the White House. Until you've looked Satan straight in the eyes, you can't handle the pressure."

Sensing a shift in the crowd, the issue of stalking and murdering the homeless became the issue of the morning. "The corporate owned media don't want you to know about my comprehensive plan for murdering vagrants with my own bare hands," former senator John Edwards remarked."

Eli Sanders' pictures from the event capture the unnerving power of Biden-mania at it's full and unforgiving apex.

Dinesh D'Souza: "Three on one action. Fifty Euros, three free drinks"

2007-08-16T02:28:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, a whirling cocktail of self hatred pounding out words at 2:30 in the morning, the litanies of real reasons why black hole-cum-conservative social critic Dinesh D'Souza found himself wandering Amsterdam's Red Light district are pretty disgusting to wrap your head around. In one of the few interesting blog posts amongst all the paint huffing (he's still using "cut and run," which gives him an 'A' for perseverance and an 'F' for being totally bankrupt as a human being) D'Souza writes home about the wonders of de Wallen:

The pornography shops have special sections with categories like "orgy" and "animals" and "grannies" and "watersports." There were also categories were so exotic I'm going to have to look them up. The evening acts feature not erotic films but rather "live sex acts." A fellow was standing outside one of the theaters, inviting people to come in. "Three on one action," he called out. "Fifty euros, three free drinks.

My best guess is D'Souza, dressed in a burka, while a procession of Russian prostitutes water board him until he "gives up on freedom," though this is pure journalistic speculation. I always figured D'Souza for a possible animal enthusiast as well, and the thought of him high five-ing the guys back at the Catholic League over photos of the lost innocence of a poor palomino doesn't seem all that weird.

D'Souza goes into a less than veiled hint that maybe Theo van Gogh wouldn't have been shot numerous times and all but decapitated by a Islamic fanatic if only we stopped the Dutch from having live sex shows starring some of Amsterdam's more nimble elderly, but that's D'Souza: if he can't find a way to find common ground with violent fundamentalists, he wouldn't have a job.

And why ruin the perfectly plausible mental image of Dinesh D'Souza fucking a horse with more talk?

Mitt Romney's Enormous Rock Wall

2007-08-12T02:04:00.000-07:00

Looking at something like the Ames Straw Poll, it is not hard to feel a little repulsed. The angriest segment of Iowa combines forces with the whitest segment of Iowa, and are all bused to one small corner of the state to be entertained by a billionaire polygamist and a supporting cavalcade of other stooges attempting to pray upon their fears of homosexuals and Mexicans.

In the end, nobody shows up and the voting machines all burst into flames. Mitt Romney "wins," but Huckabee kind of also "wins." Brownback probably doesn't "win." Tommy Thompson most certainly doesn't "win" and "fucks the dog." In the end 14,000 fanatics in the mild of nowhere determine the fate of the nation.

So, the political aspect is a non-starter.

But what about the rock wall?

"Youngsters in U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback’s camp romped through an inflatable castle, barreled down a 30-foot-tall slide and crawled through a red-and-yellow outdoor obstacle course. Others looped rings over a toy elephant’s trunk and hurled balls into cans for a toy spider or smiley-faced sticker.

Children in the neighboring camp scaled Mitt Romney’s rock-climbing wall and back-flipped in a balloon castle rented by the former Massachusetts governor’s campaign."
...

Participants, many with their thumbs rubbed with magenta ink to show they have voted, are taking it all in. Duncan Hunter has an Elvis impersonator; Ron Paul has a live monkey."

Why not just lay it out on the table: Were they expecting Ron Paul to show up with a dead monkey? While the image of the curmudgeonly Paul swinging a deceased primate in circles to teach children the evils of an intrusive federal branch of government seems not just probable but almost likely, people come to these kinds of events with a certain expectation level.

To digress slightly from Ron Paul manhandling deceased jungle creatures; how cretinous would you have to be to think eating Mitt Romney's free barbecue should be equated to those risking death to cast a vote in Iraq?

Come Lower Your Expectations With Us

2007-08-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

If you're one of the seven casual readers who made it their business to frequent this blog , you might have noticed that there hasn't been a post for the better part of three months.

And why not be honest for a moment: if you noticed, it was one of the few viable memories in that jangled cache of images you're relatively certain weren't cough syrup induced hallucinations. How much opium and YouTube can one human being consume before they start to literally devolve as a creature? This post, as much a mea culpa for my absence, is a chance for you to stop wasting your life and get a job. No woman will ever have you in your present state. Life can't all be Ron Paul jokes and Husker Du, and somewhere in the back of your mind you know this just as well as I do.

Wait, you're high right now, aren't you?

I don't owe you any explanation.

DIARY OF AN AMERICAN RAPIST AT WAR

2007-05-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Deryk Schlessinger, pictured far right. Photo courtesy of CNN.com.

"I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and heathenistic
and just overall bad about me and hyper focuses these traits into my job of
running around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it .
. . and some that don't."

-Deryk Schlessinger: alleged enthusiastic war criminal, MySpace connoisseur, and son of braying sociopath Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

In what may or may not be one of the most sincerely fucked up pieces of war pornography since Eduard Limonov's buoyant recount of gang rape in Diary Of a Russian Punk, Schlessinger is accused of having created a MySpace profile detailing a spree of rape, drug use, and torture while deployed with the 82nd Airborne in Afghanistan.

In one scene, a soldier forces a child to suck him off while holding the child at knife point in front of his mother. Another features the rape of a wounded Afghani woman.

In a Pat Tillman-esque moment, an Army spokesman declared that this was in fact the work of our enemies, who’s devious use of MySpace is attempting to undermine the war on terror, “Our enemies are adaptive, technologically sophisticated, and truly understand the importance of the information battlespace.”

According to the Salt Lake City Tribune article that broke the story, many of Schlessinger’s fellow soldiers linked to his profile, meaning the terrorist MySpace fifth column had all but assumed Schlesinger's identity.

Dr. Laura, who had claims to have "raised a warrior son," has not been made available any comment on her son's alleged actions.

JERRY FALWELL'S LEGACY: WHOOPS!

2007-05-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Having made the high speed conversion from powerful segregation enthusiast and general all-around human bag of shit to three hundred pounds of evangelical hamburger, the Rev. Jerry Falwell's legacy in the land of the mega-church appears to be taking shape:

Take everything Falwell believed and shove it into an oversized trash bag, kind of look embarrassed, and then shuffle away quietly.

The death of the Rev. Jerry Falwell last week highlighted the fact that many of the movement’s fiery old guard who helped lead conservative Christians into the embrace of the Republican Party are aging and slowly receding from the
scene. In their stead, a new generation of leaders who have mostly avoided the openly partisan and confrontational approach of their forebears have become increasingly influential.

Typified by megachurch pastors like the Rev. Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Orange County, Calif., and the Rev. Bill Hybels of Willow Creek Community Church outside Chicago, the new breed of evangelical leaders — often to the dismay of those who came before them — are more likely to speak out about more liberal causes like AIDS, Darfur, poverty and global warming than controversial social issues like abortion and same-sex marriage.

With the powerful notion of, "Maybe we should be trying to help people instead of, you know, blaming them for our all our church members problems in a gigantic con game to get us all rich," growing in popularity, the collective message to the elder spokesmen of the televangelist club would appear to be, "fucking die already."

This brings to mind powerful memories amongst the editorial staff of a desperate early morning call to the 700 Club, where we pleaded to know the exact amount we would need to contribute if it would allow God to hear our prayer and have Pat Robertson's head explode in a decapitating, Old Faithful-esque geyser of evil.

We were assured that it would be in our best interest not to call back, which we did, seven times.

SOURCE:

New York Times- Emphasis Shifts For New Breed Of Evangelicals

BILL RICHARDSON IS HISPANIC?!

2007-05-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

According to the Washington Post, bolo-tied guy on a horse turned governor of New Mexico Bill Richardson is in fact Hispanic, something you could easily miss due to his lack of comically over-sized sombrero.

He paused. Leaned forward.

"Plus I'm Hispanic," he said. "Did you know that?"

He was teasing, but it's a real strategic issue for a candidate with a vanilla name. He's convinced that even a lot of Hispanics don't know his background -- that he's the son of an American father and a Mexican mother and spent his childhood in Mexico City until coming to America to start the eighth grade."

Other surprising racial moments of discovery on the campaign trail have included Tommy Thompson finding out that he was in fact an eight year old Dominican girl, and Chris Dodd realizing that while he was still white, he really enjoyed eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches and watching inter-racial pornography.

SOURCE:

The Pro-Familia Candidate- Washington Post

VIA

Latinista- Mexican Mix

REPUBLICAN PARTY DRONE GUY TO SOLICIT CHILDREN ONLINE

2007-05-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

Trying to pitch the idea of the internet to a group of people who last interacted with a computer in a brief seven minute tryst with CompuServe in 1995 is hard, and harder still after their feelings about the medium were brutally confirmed when ABC paraded through everyone on MySpace in a degenerate child rapist review.

But the Republican party is going to change all that, because now they have a blog and blah blah blah, Barack Obama has a billion Myspace friends, and he has sex with like half of them!, blah blah blah blah, WEB 2.0! blah blah...

2008, where reporting on social networking sites is the new/hipper/dumber, "could you see yourself having a beer with the candidate?"

Another Republican -- Michael Turk, who was in charge of Internet strategy for President Bush's 2004 campaign -- puts the problem his party faces more bluntly: "We're losing the Web right now."

...

There are other measures as well. No Republican comes close to matching the popularity of another Democratic candidate, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois,
on YouTube, MySpace and Facebook, the social-networking triumvirate. The
Democrats are ahead in the online money race. The top three Democrats, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, Obama and Edwards, amassed more than $14 million over the Internet in the first three months of 2007; in contrast, the top three Republicans, Giuliani, McCain and Romney, collected less than half of that, $6
million. Furthermore, ABC PAC, the conservative fundraising site, has raised $385 so far for Republican presidential hopefuls; Act Blue, its liberal counterpart, has collected about $3 million for Edwards alone.

For those yearning for the sweet and merciful embrace of self immolation, don't reach for the gas can yet.

John Boehner, the Republican House leader from Ohio with surprisingly normal looking hair for a man of his political stature, has joined networking site Twitter. With the ironic detachment angle of your Ron Paul for President Myspace account waning, wile away another precious ten seconds of your life by showing that you've got nothing more pressing to do than having John Boehner as your internet BFF4eva.

MENTALLY UNSTABLE CANDIDATE TO MAKE 2008 FUN AGAIN

2007-05-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

Jim Gilmore of Virginia: Running for president just to fuck with people because he can.

"John McCain has fought conservatives time after time, even invoking the rhetoric of class warfare to oppose the Bush tax cuts," Gilmore said. "Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney both repeatedly opposed core conservative values to win elections in New York and Massachusetts."

With almost no money (he
raised less than 1 percent of what Romney did during the first three months of the year) and almost no staff (he says he has a single "field man" in Iowa), Gilmore has decided to gain ground in the crowded field of 10 candidates through a simple strategy: attack, attack, attack -- and hope the rest start attacking one another as well.

The Gilmore campaign, short on money, devoid of campaign staff, and run by an angry old man who seems to have just had nothing else to do for the next two years, has adapted a campaign strategy luridly devised from repeat viewings of the movie Predator: Lure them into your jungle lair, decapitate the weak ones, and then hope for the best in a one on one struggle against the strongest remaining candidate.

And if that fails? Dial in the secret code on your wristband nuclear self destruct thing and take everybody with you.

Cynical, disgusting, and ragingly nihilistic, Chug Bleach is proud to offer a (temporary) endorsement of Jim Gilmore for the Republican nomination.

DEGENERATE CAMPAIGN JUNKY: 5.21.07

2007-05-21T04:29:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton Hates Black People: Pantsuit McBombeverything accepts campaign support of Hurricane Katrina villain Sheriff Harry Lee, who famously turned back African-Americans trying to reach safety through Jefferson Parish.

Romney With Huge Iowa Lead: Paint-huffing and Mitt Romney Mania sweep the Iowa cornfields. Take that Zenu!

A Pity, Mr. Bond: SPECTRE underboss and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg rules out run for presidency. The call of the Perot Bullet Train to Crazyville remains unanswered.

Only God Can Judge Me: Alberto Gonzales and his Rasputin-like ability to shrug off one political face plant after another comes to the final test: senator Arlen Specter.

Fat White Lunatic Honors Dead Fat White Lunatic: Newt Gingrich tells the graduating class of Jerry Falwell's Liberty University to remember their leader as they stand up against secular America, short hemlines, and colored people using white folks water fountains.

BREAKING: AND NOW HE'S DEAD- JERRY FALWELL

2007-05-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Reverend Jerry Falwell: televangelist, theocracy fan, and purveyor of equal opportunity condemnation of all people that he thought could be used to strengthen his mailing list by terrifying his fanatical followers, is dead.

Jerry Falwell—founder of the Moral Majority and the face of the religious right in the 1980s—died Tuesday after being found unconscious in his office, a Liberty University executive said.

Ron Godwin, Liberty’s executive vice president, said Falwell, 73, had been found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. and was taken to Lynchburg General Hospital. Godwin said he was not sure what caused the collapse, but noted that Falwell “has a history of heart challenges.”

Falwell is survived by his semi-accredited university, his brutal string of attacks on people different than him, and his well recounted incestuous rendezvous with his mother in an out-house while still a young man in rural Virginia.

We, the editorial staff, believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. We point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'

A formal obituary and continued coverage of 'Jerry Falwell: Death of an Asshole,' to come over the next days, weeks, and if it's still funny, months.

SUPPOSED TERRORIST GUY TO GET TRIAL SOON. MAYBE.

2007-05-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

Jose Padilla, the lovable scamp who was going to murder us all with a 'dirty bomb' and then disappeared into a shadowy network of prisons where he emerged five years later a sadistically tortured vegetable, is finally set for trial.

The Chicago gang member turned "terrorist mastermind" turned "guy who might have had lunch with a terrorist one time" was among the first major arrests in the newly christened War on Terror. After his arrival at O'Hare airport in 2002 he was immediately seized by federal agents under suspicion of planning a fiery reign of destruction across his former hometown.

His arrest led to 'Dirty Bombs Will Fucking Kill Us All Mania!', the high point of which was the eventual suggestion in 2003 that plastic wrapping yourself in your living room was all that stood between you and nuclear annihilation. In a hilarious turn of events, it turned out that that bit of advice from the Department of Homeland Security lead to almost immediate asphyxiation.

Padilla, who recently won the right to a trial after being originally declared an "enemy combatant" after his arrest, has seen most of the original charges against him dropped; as his trial convenes in Miami his plot against Chicago is noticably less specific, and nobody can seem to find any evidence of a 'dirty bomb'.

SOURCE:

Jose Padilla Trial to Start in Miami- Associated Press

IN SECOND LIFE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM

2007-05-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

With a voice raised proudly for the defining principals of fiscal conservatism, unlimited ownership of vast quantities of fire arms, and the unencumbered freedom to strut around sans confining pants and have all the graphic Furry Sex your American Heart could desire, Ron Paul's Second Life Headquarters is a beacon of (Second Life) freedom.

We mean, look at it! We've seen the future of American politics, and its a virtual reality hellscape with pixelated photos of Ron Paul everywhere. Remember that movie Virtuosity? With Russel Crowe? Where he's been programmed with all the serial killers into his brain?

Way fucking worse than that.

SOURCE:

Ron Paul Gets His Second Life On- techPresident.com

DICK CHENEY TO TRICK IRAN, IMPRISON THEM IN SECRET LAIR

2007-05-14T06:47:00.000-07:00

Shortly after standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier and, with a profane and brutal tirade while the skies above turned a terrifying shade of crimson, declared that should the moment come he would personally bathe in the tears of the soon to be vaporized Iranian people, Dick Cheney has had a small change of heart.

This morning he announced that we will talk to Iran regarding the ~~horrifying daily genocide and spiraling US casualties~~ fantastic transition to peace and eventual widespread ownership of XBOX360s and other fantastic consumer goods that's presently taking place in Iraq.

The U.S. said Sunday it is willing to talk to Iran if discussions deal only with Iraq, where the Bush administration says Tehran is undermining the Baghdad government and sending deadly roadside bombs.

"We are willing to have that conversation limited to Iraq issues at the ambassador level," Vice President Dick Cheney's spokeswoman said after he met with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak.

Many inside Washington expect this to be some kind of diabolical trick by the Vice President to lure his enemies into a false sense of security, and which point they seized and taken to his Secret Skull Island Underground Lair, where they will be placed in wire cages and forced to do battle with one another for his dark/sadistic enjoyment.

SOURCE:

Cheney: We'll talk with Iran, but only about Iraq- CNN

MATT DRUDGE NOT EXACTLY ETHICAL, KIND OF AN ASSHOLE

2007-05-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

Enterprising young CBS gift shop employee turned fedora wielding 'internet news creature' Matt Drudge redefines role of campaign journalist: buy him pretty, sparkling things, and he'll pretty much write whatever maniacal bullshit about your enemies that you want.

There is a lot less negative Romney stuff," said the senior Republican campaign aide. "It stems back to what many people believe is a very good relationship between the Romney team and Matt Drudge."

In particular, Matt Rhoades, Romney's communications director, has a long history as the source for Drudge headlines, having previously served as the research director for the Republican National Committee during the 2006 campaign. In their book "The Way to Win," Time's Mark Halperin and the Politico's John Harris recount that Rhoades traveled to Florida for a friendly steakhouse dinner with Drudge when he took the research director job in 2005. Attempts by e-mail and telephone to ask Drudge about the allegations of favoritism were not successful.

While many might see this (and the corresponding high fiving by journalistic late term abortions Halperin and Harris) as a kind of wholesale surrender to the worst elements of the political process, it brings up yet another fine opportunity for us; Chug Bleach is utterly devoid of any ethical standard what so ever. For some autographed photos of Chris Dodd and a twenty sack of magic mushrooms, we'll print anything.

Barack Obama sacrifices infants while listening to 2 Live Crew?

Done.

SOURCE:
"The Matt Drudge Primary"- Salon

DEGENERATE CAMPAIGN JUNKY: 5.14.2007

2007-05-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

A CLINTON FOR ALL OCCASIONS: Pantsuit Clad War Fanatic Hillary Clinton tries to find a role for her famous husband that doesn't involve highlighting fact that he's more fun than she is, shaming their family, or high profile sodomy.

FOOTBALL FUCK UP: Sam Brownback praises Colts quarterback Peyton Manning in deepest Wisconsin. Overlooked are other minor faux-pas in the life of senator Brownback such as birth, childhood, life leading up to present moment, haircut, total detachment from reality, creepy schitzo stare.

ROMNEY GETS PAPER: Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts and sworn enemy of Xenu!, has the largest financial assets of any of the people currently running for president.

GRAVEL DOES NOT: Mike Gravel's Salon profile: "I'm poor, I'm angry, and I'm taking all of you fucks with me."

IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYONE: Fred Thompson meets with ultra secret Christian super villain group the Council for National Policy. The CNP allows no record of their meetings, and forbids discussion about what happens behind closed doors. Which would be disturbing, but all they talked about is that one episode of Roseanne that Thompson guest starred in.

TOO MANY THOMPSONS: Tommy Thompson, not to be confused with similarly hopeless Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson, has now declared that his statement in the Republican debates extolling the rights of employers to fire gays for being gay was a combination of a broken hearing aid, the flu, incontinence, Ron Paul's mind control device, and the Jews.

“Wait, what the senator is trying to say is that he's always secretly admired the Jews ability to control his mind, and he's a huge fan of the people of Israel.”

JOHN EDWARDS WANTS TO SELL YOU A TRAILER

2007-05-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Looking to expand his already enormous plantation in North Carolina, empty headed sex doll and present presidential candidate John Edwards took a position in 2005 with a company pushing predatory loans to poor families looking to buy trailers.

Known as "subprime lending," the loans are issued by banks to people looking to buy homes who don't have the financial means to repay them, often leading to the bank later seizing the property and leaving already poverty stricken families bankrupt.

Despite being a major figure in the Fortress Investment Group, Edwards claims he had no idea that the company he was working for took part in the lending scams. "Had he learned that Fortress owned a loan servicer with a history of predatory lending practices, he said, "I would have asked some very specific questions about it."

Edwards, who has based his campaign around ending poverty forever and singlehandedly rebuilt New Orleans with his own hands, has made predatory lending one of the focuses of his campaign. It's unknown whether the $167,700 he received from Fortress Investment Group would have any influence on his run for the presidency.

SOURCES:

WaPo- Edwards Says He Didn't Know About Subprime Push

WaPo- Fortress Contributions To Edwards

BROKEN BORDERS: LOU DOBBS SOUNDS WARNING OF MEXICAN ZOMBIES

2007-05-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Not content simply to move into your neighborhood, steal your jobs, sell drugs, and possibly eat your children, Orange Headed Mexican Hater Lou Dobbs has dug up yet another menace of the horde approaching from the south:

Mexicans have leprosy.

All of them.

On "Lou Dobbs Tonight" this past Monday, Dobbs said he stands "100 percent behind" his show's claim that there had been 7,000 new cases of leprosy in the United States over a recent three-year period, and he further suggested that an
increase in leprosy was due in part to "unscreened illegal immigrants coming
into this country."

The controversy comes as Dobbs attempts to deflect criticism from a Southern Poverty Law Center report who've questioned his sources; the Center for Disease Control appears to have no record of a spike in flesh eating Mexicans anywhere in the United States. Dobbs information for the '7,000' number came from white supremacist author Madeleine Cosman.

Cosman is well known in academic circles for her imaginary nomination for the Pulitzer Prize recognizing her imaginary study on why Latinos enjoy sex acts with girls under the age of 11, and why some especially devious Mexicans occasionally branch out to young boys and nuns.

As quoted in a recent 60 Minutes interview, Dobbs defended his sources: "Because I'm the managing editor, and that's the way we do business," Dobbs replied. "We don't make up numbers, Lesley. Do we?"

If not, this shocking news leaves the citizens of the Southwest to their apparently skinless fate.

SOURCE:

Ornicus- Lou Dobbs Making Up Racist Shit

TERROR OVER IRAQ: CONTINUED LOVECRAFTIAN STATECRAFT

2007-05-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

The Vice President's morale raising visit to the United States Armed Forces stationed in Iraq, as summarized by an aide 'close to the Vice President':

"Shrieking, slithering, torrential shadows of red viscous madness chasing one another through endless, ensanguined corridors of purple fulgurous sky ... formless phantasms and kaleidoscopic mutations of a ghoulish, remembered scenes; forests of monstrous overnourished oaks with serpent roots twisting and sucking unnamable juices from an earth verminous with millions of cannibal devils; mound-like tentacles groping from underground nuclei of polypous perversion ... insane lightning over malignant ivied walls and daemon arcades choked with fungous vegetation ..."

Said one on-looker of The Vice President's appearance:

"Those who have watched the tall, lean, Terrible Old Man in these peculiar conversations, do not watch him again."

RICE'S "LOVELY LADY LUMPS" LEAD TO NUCLEAR WAR WITH IRAN

2007-05-11T02:37:00.000-07:00

The sensual allure of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice; a jagged, post-Soviet hardliner rocking black knee high boots as though at any minute she may be forced to enter 'bullet time' and Save The Matrix Forever. An obvious sex symbol for an empire passed out on the bathroom floor.

This roaring sexual energy is not lost on Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki, who apparently is smitten in a way that's totally against his religion. Jordanian daily Al Anbi weaves a story of scandalous hemlines and hydrogen bombs.

"So long as there is a U.S. Secretary of State who wears miniskirts … and who shows her legs and her bust to those sitting near her … this would result in unequal negotiations, because Iran's Foreign Minister would be at a loss as his eyes wandered from her mind to her legs!!"

Many would then reply, "Simple! Build a screen or high wall between the two! That will surely dissolve the sexual tension!" Sadly, Al Anbi's editorial department is one step ahead, and declared it totally impractical. After all, he's apparently already undressed her in his mind first.

Some people might ask, “Why can’t Rice and Mottaki negotiate through a screen or
a veil?,” forgetting that such a dialogue would lose its credibility because, according to the Arab point of view, “the eyes would do the talking.”

This almost certainly leaves world leaders clamoring for the days of decidedly unsexy draconian figures like Henry Kissinger, Warren Cristopher, and Zbigniew Brzezinski. At least you knew where you stood in their hearts, even as they firebombed your children.

ROMNEY VS. SHARPTON: IS THERE NO GOD?

2007-05-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

THE CONTENDERS:

In one corner, pugnacious preacher Al Sharpton

In the other, Mormon presidential candidate and certified Friend of Xenu, former governor Mitt Romney.

TURN OFF THE RADIO!

The conflict? Sharpton's remarks while debating atheist hair-do/journalist Christopher Hitchens, "As for the one Mormon running for office, those that really believe in God will defeat him anyway, so don't worry about that. That's a temporary situation."

MITT RESPONDS!

"It shows that bigotry still exists in some corners... I thought it was a most unfortunate comment to make."

Asked if he thought Sharpton is a bigot, the former Massachusetts governor said, "I don't know Rev. Sharpton. I doubt he is personally such a thing. But the comment was a comment which could be described as a bigoted comment.

WHO WON?!

The premise of the controversy, that someone who might have been listening to Al Sharpton's radio program during an interview with Christopher Hitchens wouldn't be offended by at least something (if not by the very premise of such an abortion of nature), is fucking ridiculous in ways that defy words or even guttural shrieks.

This also implies that had a campaign press starved for any kind of news in this vacuum of stupid not picked this story up, anyone would have even heard about it (let alone be offended by it). Once again, probably not!

Finally, this leaves Mitt Romney. With his Thetan level obviously in the dumpster after a hard week of making things up at Bible colleges, Romney needed a clear win here. But, as we've discussed previously, nobody fucking cared, so Romney also emerges looking silly.

The winner now seems obvious and unavoidable: Satan.

If, as many fear, the Apocalypse is nigh, the idea of Al Sharpton, Christopher Hitchens, and Mitt Romney all on television at one time is as certain a prelude to locusts and pools of fire as any in American politics.

ABU GONZALES REDUX: A 'WTF' TIDALWAVE

2007-05-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

It should be noted that Alberto Gonzales, a man who's every utterance comes like a dedicated session of huffing paint and watching Starship Troopers on repeat, went before congress today and essentially said the same thing he said last time.

For those needing a summary of his prior testimony, it can be best described as, "I don't recall any of the brutally illegal things I've done while employed by the Bush Administration. Also, next time I'm going to wear a sombrero, further highlighting the inherent racism involved in you questioning me, a Mexican American attorney general, about the fact that I break the law every fucking day, sometimes every hour."

However, the story of the day appears to have migrated from the Attorney General to those attempting to desperately cover for the Attorney General; enter backwoods retard turned backwoods high government official Rep. Lamar Smith of Texas, who's eager to put this mess behind us and get to the hootenanny.

"The list of accusations has mushroomed, but the evidence of wrongdoing has not," Rep. Lamar said. "If there are no fish in this lake, we should reel in our lines of questions, dock our empty boat and turn to more pressing issues."

As 'country fried political analogies' go, this would appear to be what may be the first in a golden age of breathtakingly stupid attempts to turn the narrative of a systematic rape of the Justice Department into a rerun of 'Hee-Haw'.

PAGE THREE MEDIA SHILL, EVAN THOMAS!

2007-05-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

In the May 14th issue of Newsweek, campaign journalist Evan Thomas pens this sexy love letter to John McCain:

In the cover story for the May 14 edition of Newsweek, assistant managing editor Evan Thomas wrote about Sen. John McCain's (R-AZ) "dramatic profile in courage,"
noting that McCain "is not the front runner in fund-raising or in national polls. And he has seemed strangely dispirited along the way, more petulant than determined in last week's first Republican debate." According to Thomas: "That may be because he senses that his unflagging support for a highly unpopular war in Iraq could end his political career, but it may be because he is not, at heart, a politician. He is a warrior."

Who needs objectivity, or even a basis in silly old reality, when you've got weird, journalistic puppy love. John McCain isn't in a death spiral because he's craaaaaaaazy as a fucking loon, he's tanking because he's too much man for the American people.

Get a room, dude.

FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE: IRAQ!

2007-05-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

One is a conservative senator from Missouri. The other is a slightly less conservative senator from Maine.

Separated, they're a part of the culture of government that turns people to despair, binge drinking, and high profile murder suicides. Together, they're... well, they're worse than binge drinking and murder suicides.

Kit Bond and Olympia Snowe are the ultimate odd couple, and they went to Iraq. How Bond's neat-freak tendencies contrasted with Snowe's curmudgeonly messiness is still up for debate, but what thing is not: Iraq is great! Except the killing!

As quoted in the US News and World Report, senator Bond sounded a note of optimism:

"Obviously this is very early," he said, "but the signs are extremely positive."

He went on to clarify his remarks: "By 'positive', I mean casual genocide, and by 'early' I mean we're going to be here for fucking ever."

Senator Snowe was cautiously less optimistic, but still saw hope of progress amongst the deadly shrapnel, "she found the longer-term analysis from intelligence officials much more sobering and was still planning to push her compromise plan to require Iraqi authorities to meet benchmarks in building a better security and political environment before receiving expanded funding."

Don't miss next week's episode, were a dispute over who needs to do the dishes leads to hilarious hijinks in Palestine.

RON PAUL: BLOWING UP THE INTERNET

2007-05-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Congressman and Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, known by friends and enemies alike as "Dr. No" (both for his opposition to all government spending and for his nefarious connections to international criminal syndicate SPECTER), has joined 'icy grill enthusiast' Paul Wall and pornography blog Fleshbot as being officially Internet Famous.

Following the Republican debate, Congressman Paul has become the top search term for blogging zeitgeist Technorati. In reference, Paris Hilton, a well known socialite and perennial 'paparazzi up-skirt expose all-star', is a disappointing fifth.

Paul's rise is credited to his youthful, ground pounding MySpace supporters, who in an intensely dystopian view of a terrifying future, are all in fact clones of the Congressman.

WORLD BANK TO WOLFOWITZ: EVERY STEP YOU TAKE, WE'LL BE MISSING YOU

2007-05-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

Our collective national nightmare is nearly over: the creepy old man who runs the World Bank and gave his mistress a huge pay raise on the company dime has been ~~sentenced to death by catapult~~ found guilty of a conflict of interest.

The New York Times reports that despite having a sinister cabal of shadowy bankers within an even larger shadowy cabal of sinister bankers declare him guilty, Wolfowitz's fate as president has yet to sealed, "The panel's finding have not been made public, and Weisman added that "It was not clear whether the committee, consisting of 7 of the bank’s 24 board members, would remove Mr. Wolfowitz from his post or, more likely, express a loss of confidence in his leadership in a manner that might persuade him to resign."

This would appear to end another chapter in the impossibly successful American Story of one Paul Wolfowitz; a man who who stood up to common sense and said, "No fuck you, dude, we're invading Iraq. Like, tomorrow," and who now will almost certainly leave as head of the World Bank known throughout the world for having had to use massive government funds to get a woman to touch him.

And so it goes.

HILLARY CLINTON, MAINSTREAM MEDIA TO MURDER BARACK OBAMA!

2007-05-08T02:11:00.000-07:00

Rain pounds on a steaming sidewalk.

Elisabeth Bumiller of the New York Times earned her nickname "The Face Ripper" the hard way; she'd never thought herself the kind to kill, but suprisingly, their heads came off with so little prodding that she'd fallen into the game almost naturally. The Times people were always so professional, but many thought Bumiller, after so many brutal nights, had grown to actually enjoy the process.

She gruffly asked for a smoke from hollow eyed Clintonista Mark Penn; it was the kind of fraternity that only those who've tasted death on their lips could really understand.

"Obama," Penn breathed, "why couldn't he have just stayed in Chicago like we told him?"

Bumiller drew from her cigarette and laughed, "they get what the real stakes are until the end. This had to happen."

Penn shook his head and growled, "we asked him so many times, 'Senator Clinton just wants you to understand that winning this one is important to her.' The dumb fuck just wouldn't listen."

Penn reached into the back seat of the car and emerged with the chainsaw. Penn lived for the chainsaw.

"I just hope Rush Limbaugh doesn't hear about this, or we're totally fucked."

SOURCE:

A CHENEY COMETH: LOVECRAFTIAN STATECRAFT!

2007-05-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

To the people of the Middle East:

In preparation for the coming visit of our Vice President, the staff of Chug Bleach have confirmed that the following offerings will appease the Vice President Cheney, and not cause the requisite birth of hideous demon children, sudden, inexplicable withering of crops, or turning of water to the most bitter acid.

In his press release regarding the visit, the Vice President's spokesman has asked us to remind you once again to avert your eyes at all times, lest you see into worlds no man dare return from with his soul or sanity still pure.

Proper Offerings to Appease Vice President Cheney:

Three cattle, or failing the presence of live stock, a small, preferably virtuous and/or defenseless child. While the Vice President has no real interest in whether the child is yours or someone elses, he knows in the depths of his frozen and desolate heart whether your sacrifice is genuine, and will make every attempt to reap a terrible, some would even say unholy, vengeance on both the innocent and the guilty alike should the offer displease him.

Further inquires regarding ritualistic chants to the Vice President in a futile attempt to mimic the unknowable darkness of his language may be addressed to the Vice President's press office.

REACH FOR THE CZARS!

2007-05-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

Reply to: john.negroponte.4u!@dod.gov
Date: 2007-05-06, 9:37PM Eastern

We are in search of highly capable, super enthusiastic 'War Czar' to end soul crushing national embarrassment/endless genocide in Iraq. Great personality, experience talking hostile, war plagued populace out of late night kidnappings/torture with power tools preferred, not necessary.

Having ordered deaths of democracy hating religious figures in fast paced third world environment a major bonus!

Compensation: dependent on experience and ability
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.PostingID: 325812370

SOURCE:
White House Searches for War Czar- Deb Riechmann- Associated Press

TV WHITE SUPREMACIST WINS NATION'S HEART

2007-05-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

Guess which one of the people presently running for president portrayed a White Power enthusiast known to "fondle" his autographed copy of “Mien Kampf” on network TV!

~~John Edwards!~~

Fred Thompson!

Long before his breakout role in the blockbuster Iron Eagle III, Thomspon took a role as a sweet talking white supremacist in the crime drama "Wiseguy." Spotlighted in the Friday LA Times, it raises questions for thousands of semi-employed character actors considering careers in politics; for those presently on the casting couch, the role of "Deviant Child Toucher #2" may pay the rent today but leave the possibility of political office later completely beyond their grasp.

The reaction to the piece has been generally mixed, with semi-literate creature turned blogger Kim Priestep of conservative site Wizbang! noting, "Does Ms. Daunt truly think that the American people would buy into the idiotic idea that the lines that Fred recited from the TV movie 19 years ago and that she quoted in her piece were a true reflection of his personal character?"

The editors at Chug Bleach believe the answer to that question is a resounding yes.

So we're issuing a national call to muckrakers of every stripe: send us a YouTube clip of Fred Thompson as the Grand Dragon with a Heart of Gold, and we promise to publicize it to the point of Mr. Thompson having to flee to The Sudan simply not to be spit on in supermarkets and houses of worship.

We can offer no reward, but you’ll get to bask in the knowledge that you made this hideous process just a little bit more fun for everybody.

ARE YOU READY FOR HOOKERGATE 2?!

2007-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

If you're an Air Force intelligence chief, senior member of the World Bank, presently dead federal prosecutor, or ~~Senator Sam Brownback,~~ you can stop worrying about appearing on 20/20 clad in the full Easter Bunny outfit that you have to wear to be able to experience sexual arousal.

ABC News, having obtained the client list of 'DC Madame' Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who provided escorts for Washington DC's ruling elite/hardened sexual deviants, decided not to publish the names of most of Palfrey's clients in their upcoming special about the highly charged sexual playland that apparently predominates behind closed doors in Washington DC.

Their positions, as described by Ross, made them important, at least by the capital's standards: a federal prosecutor, who recently died. A handful of military officers, including the head of an Air Force intelligence squadron. A senior official at the World Bank.

But their relative anonymity spared them exposure as a result of the decision by Ross, "20/20" executive producer David Sloan, and senior vice president Kerry Smith.

However, NPR's Juan Williams paints a different story, with the prospect of a ring of lobbyists trading prostitutes for political favors making the rounds in the capitol.

Again.

This incident brings back memories of the heady days of Hookergate, where 70's porn star turned CIA deputy director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo and the presently imprisoned Rep. Randy "The Duke!" Cunningham whiled their days away in Hawaii tag teaming a bevy of prostitutes identified in government witness statements as only, 'A', 'B', and 'C'.

The two men paid for the luxury of having other human beings fake sexual interest in them by signing over massive government defense contracts to lobbyist Brent Wilkes, who is also indicted by the federal government.

DEAR REDACTED

2007-05-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon, and the work week has wound down. You're off to go have a beer with friends, or just as likely, escaping silently into some deserted alley way and purchase arm loads of pornography for a weekend of horse tranquilizers and a black abyss of despair.

The editors understand.

Despite our meager circulation, we spend the majority of our week sorting through volumes and volumes of hate mail. Some of it's great: did you know we're all "libtard faggots?" Or that we won't be laughing when Mexican gangs control our towns, killing and raping our families while we make stupid jokes? We had no idea. Well, maybe some idea.

So, to bring a little of our joy into your world, we're excerpting some of our favorite letters from the week. All letters posted will not receive a prize, except possibly that we won't put your real name at the end, or directions to your home or place of business.

Let's get this abortion started!

************************************************************

My friend Janelle recommended me to your site. I'm not sure why she did.

The last thing I am about is angst towards people or our world's current position in this life. I am of peace. And my only goal is to help the world see their inner beauty--their inner peace, which is of course, our real nature.

I do write, yes. But more importantly I am a mindful economist and humanitarian--I seek to include all of humanity, not divide humanity with my words.

I just thought you should know that what you're doing is doing nothing more than making the world a worse place to live.

peace be on you,

[name redacted]

Dear Redacted,

What exactly does being a "mindful economist and humanitarian" entail? And seriously, what's the suicide rate amongst your friends and family? If you're wondering why one minute you were discussing the plight of the subaltern in some country you can't even pronounce correctly, and the next minute your dinner date is desperatley trying to sever an artery with their teeth, well, there you go.

I happen to be a republican and I think you are sick in the fucking head. John McCain suffered in a POW camp in the wars so you could make this stupid site full of propganda and lies. If you hate it so much hear you can leave really, you should. My brother is a marine also, and he has to fiht for people like you. You make me sick.

[name redacted]

Dear Redacted,

Your brother, who is a Marine and not a mental defective typing impenetrably stupid anonymous e-mails on the internet, also apparently is "fiht"-ing for your right to have no fucking clue how to use the English language. We're kind of interested what made you decide to pen that clever little missive in the first place. Was it a slow afternoon of huffing nitrous from whip cream bottles?

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Hey Guys,

Im interested in writing for you a post about Ron Paul, who if you dont know is running for president as a Republican and is the only person who is willing to stand up four are freedom. I dont know if your interested, but if you are please email me at [redacted]. I feel very strongly about this, and it even if your not interested could you please put up this link to the Ron Paul for president myspace?

THANK YOU SO MUCH,

[redacted]

Dear Redacted,

Whatever you're going through right now, there's still time to turn your life around. You see, what you're doing is spending precious seconds of your life offering to write editorial pieces for a man who believes The Matrix Is Real, and hangs out with white supremacist David Duke. Get a healthier hobby, and I'm including in that definition eating glass.

FROM THE GLOBAL AFFAIRS DESK: FRANCOPHILE FANZINE MADNESS

2007-05-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

New to Chug Bleach is the contributions of Global Affairs Correspondent Cody R. Dodson. A one time deserter from the United States Navy and former drug enforcement agent, Dodson's reporting comes to us from the war torn heart of of occupied Chechnya.

And Then There Were Two:

Hooray!

The first round of the 2007 French Presidential elections are over. Condolences go out to the brace of Trotzkyites and Communists that no one cared about. Ditto for Francois Bayrou, a self-described "Third-Way" spoiler candidate with the "charisma of a coffee table" who would make any Naderite wet in their panties. The French people will thus be forced to choose between anime hating,"sexy socialist" Segolene Royal and clean freak, son-of-an-immigrant Nicolas Sarkozy.

And France, thank you for not embarrassing yourself by voting that Franco-Fascist Le Pen into the second round. He's proof that Americans don't have exclusivity on bat-shit crazy conservatives.

Nothing's Perfect:

Now to Nigeria were a historic event is taking place: the first ever handover of power from one elected official to another. In this case it is the Christian, former military dictator Olusegun Obasanjo stepping down for Muslim governor Umar Musa Yar'Adua.

But hold on!

International observers are reporting the votes as fraudulent and "fall short of...regional standards". No!? Electoral fraud in West Africa, those bastions of freedom like Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Ivory Coast? Woulda thunk it? Beyond that the vote signifies the transfer of power from the Christian south to the Muslim north, were Sharia law is strictly enforced. How will these two disparate groups of heterogeneous Nigeria reconcile their differences?

Oh that's right, they both hate gays.

THE REAL HATE CRIME IS AGAINST CHRIST!

2007-05-04T02:55:00.000-07:00

Signalling his intention to exercise his veto for what will only be the fourth time in his presidency, George W. Bush announced he will stand firmly against a bill that would make crimes motivated by hatred for the gay and lesbian community fall under the governments Hate Crime definition.

The bill has caused consternation amongst the evangelical Christian community, many of whom are worried that the next time they brutally assault a homosexual in the name of Christ, they may find themselves facing extra charges that they would normally never encounter.

Charles Colson, a name best known for his notoriously illegal conduct during the Nixon administration, declared the law "thought crime."

"Last week the House Judiciary Committee, egged on by radical homosexual groups, passed what can only be called a Thought Crimes bill," Colson said in his role as commentator for Breakpoint, "it's called the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act. But this bill is not about hate. It's not even about crime. It's about outlawing peaceful speech – speech that asserts that homosexual behavior is morally wrong."

Mr. Colson's last role in government involved ensuring the right to peaceful speech by plotting the fire bombing of the Brookings Institute, which had published reports critical of President Nixon. Colson was sentenced to a term in federal prison for his role.

In the wake of the horrific murder of Matthew Shepard, a 21 year old student beaten to death along along a stretch of Wyoming highway by two men claiming "gay panic defense", an attempt has been made to elevate these kinds of actions to the same status as racial and religious violence carried out on people in the black or Jewish community.

The bill passed the House and is expected to win the 60 votes needed to pass the Senate. If vetoed, the legislation will find itself in the illustrious company of President Bush's other vetoed bills, including one to authorize government funding for stem cell research, and a spending bill setting a timetable for the military occupation of Iraq.

STUPID A-GOGO: THE REPUBLICANS GET THEIR DEBATE ON

2007-05-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

10 men took to the stage at the Ronald Regan Presidential Library to welcome in the first in what will be an ongoing series of national humiliations: the Republican debates for president. Following in the pattern of last weeks Democratic debates, this week’s collection of zany millionaires debating why they most certainly should never be allowed to hold national office offered no surprises, just prolonged anguish and a general gnashing of teeth.

In fact, the consensus amongst the both the punditry and press even before this took place was that it was going to be a total waste of time, a rare moment of honesty mocked by the fact that the press actually runs the debates, and is thus just as responsible for this writhing pile of mental deficiency as any of the candidates.

However, looking past the curtain to realize that the entire race for the presidency is a brutal sham doesn't allow for the picking of the Winners and the Losers. And Chug Bleach would be remiss if it didn't try to find some kind of meaning in this latest adventure in The Dumb Season.

The Winners:

Friedrich Nietzsche: The noted and controversial German philosopher once coined the phrase, "God is dead." The editorial staff begs you, after having watched this debate, to argue that statement.

E-40: We were totally struggling to fill this section out, and as it approaches deadline, we're still at a total loss. Have you heard the remix of "Tell Me When To Go" with Kanye West and Ice Cube? Extreme hyphy energy drink, or something. Speak on it.

The Losers:

All Of Them: Some might consider it hyperbole to draw the conclusion from this debate that every single person left the stage far weaker than when they went on it. This would be to ignore that with the exception of the unnaturally young looking Romney, each and every candidate could easily be described using the three words, "crazy old man." Find a moment creepier than the tableau of ten elderly men discussing reproductive freedoms. Ladies in the audience no doubt felt a certain thrill knowing that Jim Gilmore (the crazier, balder one on the stage. No you're thinking of McCain, Gilmore is the one with the slight hump) has menacing designs on their vagina.

Romney's one advantage, that he actually looks like someone who could conceivably be president rather than an immigrant hating retirement home escapee, is wiped out by his insane decision to go on Fox News prior to the debate and state he openly loves the collective works of Scientologist founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Ronald Reagan: Say what you want about him: maybe he did rise to power under heinously evil circumstances, first as a governor riding a tide of fear over minorities and then to the presidency on vacant promises of sunshine and carpet bombing. Maybe he even directed the CIA to unleash the crack epidemic, just because he hated black people. But one thing Ronald Reagan was a political winner, even as a big empty vegetable.

So to hear this group of sniveling dipshits invoking his name trying to sound like something more than human saline drips must have been nails on a chalk board to the Gipper, where ever the afterlife took him (editors note: that would hell).

The Politico: If The Politco gets to sponsor a debate, so does a prestigious and journalistically respected publication like Chug Bleach. For the next one, we're holding it at Abu Ghraib.

The Republican Party: Not to harp on the downfall of a party that less than two years ago was looking to cement an unassailable position of power meant to last until the middle of the century, but seriously guys, way to fuck this one up hard. Republican congressmen are still going to jail, the sitting president is as popular as infant rape, and the new crop looking towards the White House are looking in fear on the Law And Order guy. The Democratic field, itself something of a punch line, looks like world beaters and philosopher kings in comparison.

You: You watched the Democratic debate, and fully knew this one was going to be worse. And they have Transformers reruns on DVD now, which means you can't even claim nothing else was on. You're a terrible person, with no excuses.

Us: With the cable out at the Chug Bleach office, we compiled this review based on web transcripts and YouTube clips. Which is like saying, "We had to get her attention somehow, so we removed our pants, put on a raincoat, walked outside, and decided 'what's a felony here and there?"

PAGE 3 SEXY MEDIA SHILL!

2007-04-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

JIM GILMORE MANIA

2007-04-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

To a fever pitch crowd in Des Moines, Iowa, former Virginia governor and current... (Unemployed angry old man? He's fucking something, trust us)... Jim Gilmore announced that he was running for president as a "true conservative," a fact emphasized by his decision to combine all of his 'fake conservative' rivals into one Voltron-esque creature to henceforth be called "Rudy McRomney." As an editorial note, up to this point we haven't even started making jokes yet.

Gilmore's high profile call out of three of his biggest campaign rivals is the latest in a long string of incidents wherein Gilmore attacked other GOP candidates for their lack of conservative credentials.

Early incidents, including one where a member of Gilmore's entourage stabbed GOP congressman Duncan Hunter after an altercation in the hallway of a Republican fundraiser, are still under investigation by Capitol police.

In a later, equally controversial interview given to Roll Call, Gilmore further fed the flames of his personal street war with the California congressman, "You tell Duncan Hunter if I see him again, I'll fuck'n smash his face with a brick, word is bond."

THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE: MEANINGLESS FUN FOR NOBODY

2007-04-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

The debate is over, and like all debates, this one was absolutely devoid of any point what-so-ever.

The real "winner" will not be known until tomorrow; what commences now is a gladiatorial battle to the death taking place across the cable news airwaves, as paid campaign shills ride heedlessly into the teeth of frenzied campaign journalists and the Godless army of talking head punditry.

CNN creature Candy Crowley will have created a "focus group" of the dumbest, most uninformed people she can find, and will then ask them variations on which candidate seemed "the most likable." She will then have two of the audience drugged, and will devour them later in her dressing room.

Let no one say Chug Bleach intends to challenge this way of doing things. In fact, we've created our own list of winners and losers, which will almost certainly decide the outcome of this election.

Winners

Mike Gravel: As only man who has personally stopped an unpopular and bloody war, stands mouth agape over seven different versions of, "Of course this time was a mistake, but let the terrorists beware, we'll fucking invade you again if it’s popular." Meaner than Kucinich, as you could totally see him clubbing an unsuspecting Biden with a tire iron, or standing on a shrieking Chris Dodd's throat.

Dennis Kucinich: Appeared to be openly laughing as Hillary Clinton talked. Also turned out to be right about almost everything said since 2003. And the editorial staff is including the Mind Control/Space Weapons thing.

Bill Richardson: Popular, plain spoken, Mexican-American governor with proven track record of solving horrifying international disasters comes across as popular, plain spoken, Mexican-American governor with proven track record of solving horrifying international disasters. In ironic twist, will not ever be president.

Opium: There's going to be like fifty more of these fucking things. Stock up now!

The Losers:

The Front Runners: Hillary still comes across as calculating cyborg that wants to discuss your children with you over coffee, then harvest you for nutrients. Obama was jittery, appeared to have done Scrouge McDuck-esque high dive into swimming pool of yayo. John Edwards continues to be human equivalent of throwing very large rock into well, never hearing splash. Edwards question about his hair was the sound of a million potential voters’ voices crying out, and then silenced.

The Dodd-Biden Alliance: There's only room for one charisma challenged corporate whore/long serving senator in this race. And given that Biden's one laugh line was a joke from Brian Williams over him being a clueless racist, it probably should be Dodd.

"This isn't American Idol": Hey, ugly people running for president! We get it, you've got "conviction" and "ideas." You're still going to be ignored.

You: You watched this mendacious abortion, and now you're reading a blog entry about it.

Us: Have committed life to campaign journalism, despite fact that more rewarding jobs fluffing for quarters still readily available.

The Republicans: The really striking point is, the Republican field is so much worse. Next week's Republican debate will almost certainly involve Tom Tancredo giving a shout out to white power girl group Prussian Blue, or Mitt Romney accidentally thanking fifth wife, letting secret polygamist plot out of the bag.

AMERICA TO STAY IN IRAQ FOREVER, STOP ASKING

2007-04-25T02:19:00.000-07:00

Defying Democrats, common sense, decency, President Bush announced he will reject any timetable for leaving Iraq.

Ever.

And seriously, fuck you.

As reported in the Associated Press, the President came out swinging against Democrats that he feels hope only to drag our almost certain victory in Iraq into the jaws of defeat.

"They chose to make a political statement," he said. "That's their right but it is wrong for our troops and it's wrong for our country. To accept the bill proposed by the Democratic leadership would be to accept a policy that directly contradicts the judgment of our military commanders."

He went on to remind a wavering American public that should we leave Iraq, the terrorists will follow us to our shore. You'll be sitting down to a family dinner, Suzie home from cheer and Mark relaxing after soccer practice, and suddenly your windows shatter and your house is filled with brutal Iraqi terrorists. In an instant they've beheaded Suzie for her scandalous cheerleader attire and flee, with her head, into the night. The cackling laughter sends chills up the spine of the entire subdivision. Then a heart wrenching explosion as the terrorist fly a plane into your neighbor’s house, because of the whole hating their freedom thing.

The Democrat's meanwhile reiterated their hard hitting plan to (kind of) withdraw out of Iraq, eventually, in April of 2008. However, the bill they introduced is "nonbinding," or as many have taken to referring to it as, "totally fucking meaningless."

DENNIS KUCINICH TO BATTLE REAL LIFE EVIL

2007-04-25T01:54:00.000-07:00

Presidential candidate and Crusading Clevelander Dennis Kucinich will proceed with bringing forward the articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney, after a brief delay caused by concerns over Cheney's health.

Enthusiasm over idea that Dick Cheney might in fact die first, making the need for impeachment moot (unless you subscribe to the belief, as the editor does, of Cheney as Deathless Lovecraftian Focal Point Of Universal Evil) held briefly the swift and merciless hand of Kucinich. The return to full vigor of the Vice President, as evidenced by the skies of Washington turning black and the death of all of the first born in the nation's capitol, marked a return to business as usual.

EVERYBODY'S GOING TO PRISON!

2007-04-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

Remember back to October 2006. A chill in the air, the leaves turning a brilliant mix of red and yellow, and everywhere you went various Congressmen attempting to have sex with underage children and mercilessly beating their mistresses. You couldn't go a week without some degenerate pedophile turned immaculately coiffed legislator (who in a just world would be on a 1920's Alabama chain gang, flogged brutally simply for being evil and/or wrong), showing up in the paper to shame his family.

April of 2007 just isn't the same. The crimes are, with the standout performance of William "Huge Bricks of Dollar Bills Hidden in the Freezer" Jefferson, boring and common place. And while Rep. Jerry Lewis of California may look like a pedophile, he's simply a greedy, corrupt waste of skin and an embarrassment to his district, friends, and family.

The Politico ranks the soon to be prison bound, and to put it mildly, somebody is going to need to bring the sexy back. If there was ever a time for vast quantities of angel dust, Representative Ric Keller, and a flock of totally unwilling livestock, this is it.

The Insidious Six!

William Jefferson (D-LA): Bricks of cash in freezer. Raided by FBI.

John Doolittle (R-CA): Shady lobbyist dealings. Raided by FBI.

Rick Renzi (R-AZ): Bad land deal, federal corruption case. Raided by FBI.

Jerry Lewis (R-CA): Traded government contracts for cash. Looks like child molester. Raided by FBI.

Gerry Miller (R-CA): What the fuck, California? Tax cheat. Soon to be raided by FBI.

Allan Mollohan (D- WV): Contracts for cash. Soon to be raided by FBI.

MAKEBELIEVE!: THE GOVERNMENT, PAT TILLMAN, AND JESSICA LYNCH

2007-04-25T00:05:00.000-07:00

Corporal Pat Tillman was a tough as nails GI who gave up the chance for fame and fortune playing in the pros and lost his life for his country battling in hand to hand combat against the Taliban in the remorseless, hellscape mountains of Afghanistan.

Private Jessica Lynch decided, as her convoy burned around her and she was rapidly encircled by a howling legion of blood thirsty terrorists, that she was going to fill the trenches with as many IslamoFascist dead as she could before they'd take her alive. She cut a bloody (and totally patriotic!) swath through a full battalion before she was injured and taken prisoner.

These stories of individual heroism inspired millions, and brought further shame on an anti-war movement that wanted only gutless appeasement to those who committed 9/11. Freedom, delivered from the still smoking barrel of Private Jessica Lynch, was on the march.

But in a brutal Stalinist twist that leaves any glimmer of government credibility gang-raped and left for dead, both stories were total fabrications of a desperate Defense Department that needed heroes for two bungled wars that are ending in religious warfare and genocide. And apparently Corporal Tillman, who died in Afghanistan while taking friendly fire, and Private Lynch, who was knocked unconscious during the initial attack and was then taken to a hospital by the attacking Iraqi unit, needed to be way sexier if the government was going to sell them as Unstoppable Terrorist Killing Machines.

In front of a congressional hearing Corporal Tillman's brother Kevin, who served with him in Afghanistan, voiced his outrage.

“A terrible tragedy that might have further undermined support for the war in Iraq was transformed into an inspirational message that served instead to support the nation’s foreign policy wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Pat Tillman's journal from the time notes of the situation in Iraq, "this war is so fucking illegal."

A further inquiry into the death of Tillman regarding who knew what and when uncovered five generals who had stalled and purposefully misled both Tillman's family and the press about the nature of his death.

Oddly enough, they've received no punishment.

VOTE RUDY OR DIE!

2007-04-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

A terrorist waits in line to board a plane, his clothes soaked with nervous sweat and his heart pounding from adrenaline. His eyes dart back and forth sweeping the concourse for last minute obstructions to his evil goal. His mission is destruction, his motives murderous and horrifying.

As he approaches the counter, an elderly woman pushing a baggage cart crashes into the side of him. His Super Secret Terrorist Nuclear Death Device, entrusted to him by Osama bin Laden himself, rolls out of his bag. His eyes go wide with dismay. He's failed.

A man rushes up to him, picking up the Device. A silent glow of menace from the Satanic Islamic Curses howling within the Device can be felt by all in the room. He dusts it off, and beams a broad smile to the terrorist.

"Mr. Terrorist, there's two America's, and in my America, you can kill as many people as you like. Good luck with your hijacking!" Former Senator John Edwards, his voice like a ray of sunshine, his grin boyish, hands the Device back to the terrorist.

"And you remember, spineless pussys like me and the other Democrats running for office both respect your evil religion, and think it should be taught in schools. Often while burning Bibles and smoking hashish, while having unprotected, gay sex with one another in front of the innocent and God-fearing eyes of your young children."

...

Former Mayor Giuliani, approaching a fevered orgasmic pitch, then leaned forward and yelled to the New Hampshire crowd, "and that's why you need to elect me president! Also, I really fucking hate ferrets! WEEEEEEEE!"

The Politico- Roger Simon- "Giuliani warns of 'new 9/11' if Dems win"

DEGENERATE CAMPAIGN JUNKY: 4/23/07

2007-04-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

Fresh Fish: Irrepressible scamps Rep. John Doolittle and Mike Enzi have resigned their committee chairmanships in the face of raids by the FBI. A now hardened Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, accustomed to the hard deprivations of prison life, declared he will keep the more supple Doolittle as a girlfriend, and possibly sell Enzi for cigarettes or toilet liquor.

Gored!: Al Gore assembles secret team of campaign super villains in hideout beneath mountain in Tennessee preparing for late 2008 Battle Royale, says The Sunday Telegraph. No we're not, says the Gore people. Question of, "Who to believe?!" best answered with vodka, barbiturates.

Rudy To Personally Round Up Mexicans, Drive Them "back where they came from": Rudy Giuliani decides that since he's successfully changed his mind about abortion, guns, and liking intercourse with men, he might as well switch it up on the whole immigration thing too. For those keeping track, he hates Mexicans now, and always has.

Joe Biden Is An Asshole: Just because you're a ridiculous looking tool riding a wave of massive self delusion, every gaping orifice jammed with money from the banking industry, a clueless racist and a savage indictment of humanity on every level, doesn't mean you can't take advantage of a tragedy to pander to the gun lobby. Joe Biden went to Iowa to tell rural voters that the problem was that we have too many gun laws. Joe Biden, a million little hair plugs, is a void in which all hope and light dies.

Your Pantsuit Can't Save You Now: Michelle Obama is to be rolled out on a personal mission of destruction against frontrunner Hillary Clinton.

Her prediction?

"Pain."

A SUNDAY EDITORIAL REPLY: NO SERIOUSLY, HE'S FUCKING INSANE.

2007-04-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

In our last episode John McCain sang about bombing Iran set to the tune of the Beach Boys. Yesterday, John McCain responded. Somehow it's way worse:

"Please, I was talking to some of my old veterans friends," he told reporters. "My response is, Lighten up and get a life."

When reporters asked if the joke was insensitive, McCain said: "Insensitive to what? The Iranians?"

In a flash that seems to rip the soul out right through your eyes, you realize that all the jokes you've made are just a hollow sham compared to the unrelenting brutality of the naked truth: he's completely fucking out of his mind. And not in the, "Haha, the internet makes fun of him for being elderly and probably senile," way, but in the, "hearing voices, schizophrenic bouts of madness marked by a trail of burning nations and a foaming at the mouth President McCain pitch forking Cambodian children because it's a war for survival of the species" kind of way.

John McCain's campaign for president, which has thus far been a high speed death spin that's as probably embarrassing for the people around him as it is hilarious for fans of hardcore, pornographic levels of schadenfreude, is rapidly entering the mythical heights of Rep. Dan Burton declaring that the gays put AIDS in his salad.

But the problem is there are still people out there that consider him sane.

This has to stop, and sadly, this is going to involve doing something. But what that something is easy, and if you're belligerent and drunk enough, probably fun. McCain has duped tens of thousands of otherwise decent people into believing he's a funny guy who tells it like it is. All you've got to do is the same thing.

Introduce your friends, family, and attractive strangers who you'd possibly like to sleep with later to the real John McCain. Nothing enhances conversation quite like, "Have you heard John McCain wants to bomb everyone a different color than he is?", or, "So I was just thinking, I don't consider my homosexual friends to be deviants to be looked down on or placed in camps. Isn't it weird that John McCain does?"

The fun thing is, unlike Bush telling racists in South Carolina that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black baby, you don't even have to exaggerate. Just McCain's views on a women's right to chose should drive most decent human beings toward tears or nausea. He's really that crazy!

Do the right thing, if not for your country, then for the selfish part of you that doesn’t want to find out what will happen when McCain starts World War 3, the Chinese invade the west coast, and you're fleeing desperately towards Mexico only a step ahead of the rampant gangs of motorcycle riding cannibals that now ravage the Midwest.

POPE TO HELLBOUND INFANTS: HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?

2007-04-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

Stunning news for dead unbaptized infants everywhere as Pope Benedict reverses centuries of Catholic doctrine and declares the concept of "limbo", wherein babies unlucky enough to die before being baptized are forever cast out of the light of an extremely bureaucratic God, to be no more.

This opens the door for the only two most natural assumptions: your dead unbaptized baby is forgiven for his sins completely, or he's cast into the eternal lake of fire. It should be noted that while these babies face uncertain judgement, Pope Benedict, who fought on the side of Nazi Germany, will ascend to heaven to live peacefully forever.

A conservative, Prada wearing provocateur in his time at the Vatican, Benedict's message drew a mixed response from the Catholic community. As interviewed in Time magazine, the Rev. Thomas Reese of Georgetown University described the ruling as a lightening of the burden for families who've lost an infant, now wondering if their decision to get coffee before baptising their child could have been the minutes wasted that sent their child to the Godless realm of Limbo.

Also interviewed was Rev. Richard McBrien of Notre Dame, who declared the extinction of the idea of Limbo to open a direct pit into which Satan will take the children, as any other interpretation would obliterate the concept of "original sin."

He went on to add, "Have you though about what that would do to Opus Dei? They spend all their time whipping themselves and taking cold showers and hating the impure nature of their genitals! It would all be for nothing!"

DEGENERATE CAMPAIGN JUNKY: 4/20/07

2007-04-20T02:33:00.000-07:00

"They All Suck, And I Hope They Die In A Fire": ABC/Washington Post polling data: 54% percent of voters say they'd never vote for Mitt Romney, 47% say they'd never vote for John McCain, 45% say they'd never vote for Hillary, 83% said they'd have semi-consensual drunken sex with Tom Tancredo over Tommy Thompson.

Blow'n Up Tha Internets: John Edwards hires Howard Dean internet guru Joe Trippi to be prominent member of campaign. This obviously means big shake ups in John Edwards Second Life campaign headquarters, where online sex between animated internet people will be far more graphic, disturbing.

Mangled In Mass.: Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, is getting sodomized by Rudy Giuliani in his home state by nearly 12 points. Rudy Giuliani sodomizing Mitt Romney official Chug Bleach Hideous Mental Image of the Day.

There's Nothing Funny About Campaign Music: Well, maybe that Giuliani uses "Three Times A Lady" at his events, because he, you know, ~~dresses in drag and likes to have sex with guys~~ likes women and any insinuation over his cross dressing and propensity for living with guys who like other guys is a filthy fucking lie.

60 Seconds Of Heaven: No surer sign that you personally need to stock up on powerful psychedelic drugs/and or horse tranquilizers than the prospect of bolo-tied misogyny fan Governor Bill Richardson appearing on your television at four in the morning, interrupting token attempts at soulless masturbation while watching Girls-Gone-Wild infomercials.

VIRGINIA TECH EXPLOITATION CHAMPIONSHIP: ROUND 2

2007-04-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's action saw a gritty performance by a makeshift side of scrappy racists and lunatics led by an exhilarating masterclass by undisputed match MVP John Derbyshire of the National Review. A dominating performance questioning the courage of those the day of the shootings, Derbyshire was a man apart.

But that was then.

Today's line-up features some of the biggest names in media slutdom, and a possble Cinderella story in the making as a young college reporter from the Ivy League sinks to a level of hideous exploitation that could seriously throw this competition into absolute chaos. The next round of the Virginia Tech Exploitation Championship, it's confirmed like a Don King perm!

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Coming out of FOX News, a literal legend of bukkake media moments and dedicating tonight's game to those who can't find enough reasons to carry guns on college campuses, translucent skinned commentator John Gibson: Call the fire chief, cause he's on fire!

"So, theoretically, in this lecture hall where all 31 were killed, there could have been someone with a carry permit carrying their gun to shoot the shooter?" Fox News senior judicial analyst Andrew Napolitano replied: "No," adding, "Virginia lets you carry a gun at a gas station or a bank or a stadium, but not on a college campus, where you may protect kids."

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When aspiring young media whores look for role models on the court, they look to MSNBC's Chris Matthews. The big man brings his own brand of ferociously insipid play to this tragedy with a time tested media game breaker: none of this would have happened if it wasn't for fucking Keanu Reeves.

"Keanu Reeves. That kind of pose with two guns firing. This is an iconic image from the movies. Let's not kid ourselves here. I don't know if he's a copycat or what he is, but that kid's acting like people do in cinematic violent movies."

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The old saying is "Defense Wins Championships." After years of being a solid bench player with an easy confidence at the line, NBC's Brian Williams has stepped out of the shadows of merely being a cog in NBC News' system to being a versatile team leader, as he justified his networks revolting airing of the killers home videos to an already heart broken public. It's news, baby!

"I don't know of a reputable news organization in this country that, upon receipt of that package, would have … slipped it in a drawer and not shared its contents," the anchor said on his video blog. "It is beyond disturbing. It is beyond horrifying. It is also news, and news is our role, however unpleasant the stories are at times."

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And now onto our unprecedented Cinderella story of the tournament. In the world of show time media exploitation, the college press is generally more a wide eyed spectator with hoop dreams than a genuine contender. Maybe a staff editorial, "never forgetting" the tragedy, and bigger goals of one day asking the cousin of the friend of the victim of some far off tragedy to come how the community was dealing with the heartbreak.

But sometimes dreams do come true. The Daily Princetonian's Michael Juel-Larsen is an Ivy League phenom who may take this competition home.

Leading his article with information that the shooters sister may have attended Princeton as recently as 2004, Juel-Larsen played a scorcher, breaking news that the Princeton Princess wrote her senior thesis on Korean immigrants in California. In terms of desperate attempts to get one last kick in at a very dead horse, Juel-Larsen may be the LeBron James of seriously fucking horrifying media coverage.

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Check back tomorrow for the concluding round of the Virginia Tech Exploitation Championship, when a winner will be crowned! It's magic, baby!

JOHN EDWARDS GAY HAIRCUT UPDATE!

2007-04-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

BREAKING:

Presidential candidate John Edwards repaid his campaign the eight hundred dollars he had used to get his hair looking just the way he likes it when assuring poor people that he understands what they go through everyday.

Said one enthusiastic Edward's supporter, "I lost my job to a ten year old Vietnamese kid and I may be forced to prostitute myself behind a Safeway to stop the bank from taking my house. John Edward's hair may be a deciding factor in this election for me. "

SENATE GOES GAGA FOR GONZO!

2007-04-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma has for many represented a gold standard for 'babbling extremist asshole': announcing he'd like the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions and declaring gays to be the biggest threat to American freedom, pondering the depths to which Coburn would go to be the biggest fascist in the country is like staring out on the stars on a clear night or dropping a stone into the well and never hearing a telltale splash.

It should be noted that Alberto Gonzales is too big a void of dim-witted incompetent evil even for Tom Coburn.

Appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales worked his way through an excruciating series of screaming high dive faceplants that seem almost certain to have ended a career that will be best remembered for finding limitless new ways to make a cruel joke out of justice, finally bringing the glamorous world of secret prisons and photo sessions of forced sodomy with glowsticks to the American masses.

Gonzales replied to questions with the phrase, "I don't recall" 55 times. By the time the session was over, a bowlegged and glassy eyed Alberto Gonzales left with every orifice penetrated thoroughly. From the San Francisco Chronicle's coverage:

Yet his muddled testimony seemed only to irritate would-be sympathizers.

At one point Gonzales said, "I recall making the decision" to fire the attorneys. When asked when, Gonzales replied, "Senator, I don't recall when the decision was made."

Alabama Republican Sen. Jeff Sessions challenged Gonzales' failure to recall a key meeting when the enormous importance of the firings and their likely political fallout was discussed.

"This was not that long ago," Sessions said, "and you don't recall any of that?"

Chairman Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., wondered later who prepared Gonzales to testify, while Specter told Gonzales his testimony was "significantly, if not totally, at variance with the facts."

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., suggested Gonzales was simply trying to make up reasons the attorneys were fired.

"Mr. Attorney General, most of this is a stretch. I think it's clear to me that some of these people just had personality conflicts with people in your office or at the White House, and you know, we made up reasons to fire them."

MCCAIN'S FUCKING CRAZY!

2007-04-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

Senator John McCain, a lively step belying his present age of 132, delighted an audience of South Carolinians quite possibly as blood thirsty as he is with a delightfully comedic ode to carpet bombing Iranian cities sung to the tune of the Beach Boy's "Barbara Anne."

As noted by Associated Press reporter Nedra Prickler (in which she calls McCain's devilish sense of humor about murdering savage colored people "quirky"), McCain replied to a question from a supporter on whether war with Iran was imminent by saying, "That old, eh, that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran," at which point he began crooning the improvised lyrics to his audience.

Encouraged by his success, he went on to perform an uproarious version of the Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out?!" parodying genocide in the Sudan, and then gathered the crowd into a makeshift game of 'Charades!', wherein McCain was "child covered in napalm." The crowd was left in hysterics.

Senator McCain is jostling for the status of front runner for the Republican nomination in 2008.

DEGENERATE CAMPAIGN JUNKY: 2/19/2007

2007-04-19T01:10:00.000-07:00

One of the new features we're rolling out at Chug Bleach will be the "Degenerate Campaign Junky", a one stop fix straight to the eyeball of the bad, the worse, and the horrifying from the 2008 race for the presidency.

'Mo Money, 'Mo Mormons: Former Mass. Governor and deep cover Polygamist agent Mitt Romney's campaign receives a fresh cash supply from the wilds of Mormon Utah, bringing in nearly ten times the amount of Bush in 2004.

Hillary Hearts Gibberish: New York senator Hillary Clinton's campaign declares her an "Evidence Based" moderate, drawing a clear distinction from previous policy toted proudly as "Totally Fucking Imaginary."

Most Hated Man In Milwaukee: In the wake of giving mad props to the Jewish community for their secret collections of Jew Gold, Milwaukee's largest paper calls for former Wisconsin governor Tommy Thompson to drop out of race, stop embarrassing state, die already.

Polling Pornography: Giuliani and Clinton losing ground to McCain and Obama, respectively. First primary still 8 months away, freeing up 8 whole months for consideration of self immolation vs. throwing self off incredibly tall building.

Ron Paul A-gogo: Sanjaya may be out of the running, but that doesn't mean you can't get your chance to totally devote yourself to something even more vacuous: wouldn't it be hilarious if we all totally got really high and voted for Ron Paul?

Well, maybe not so much for Mexico.

FRED THOMPSON TO MAKE HILLARIOUS CAMEO APPEARANCE DESTROYING AMERICA

2007-04-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

In a moment that brings home the almost palpable likelihood that we will be cannibalizing loved ones for food before the year 2010, former senator and star of blockbuster hit Aces: Iron Eagle III and hilarious homelessness comedy Curly Sue, Fred Thompson met with "about a quarter" of the present House Republicans to discuss his possible run for president.

The Republican Party is desperately seeking a unifying candidate, and many see in the former actor a southern conservative who could bring the party together.

“We want Ronald Reagan, and we know Ronald Reagan is not going to be our nominee,” Rep Jo Bonner of Alabama told the New York Times, dissuading Republican operatives from the final solution of grave robbing the now long dead former president, propping him up using an elaborate system of wires and pulleys, and declaring it to be "morning in America again."

“What would the people think if in the middle of his speech the Gipper’s head just came clean off?!” one horrified Republican aide was said to have remarked.

SAMUEL ALITO OWNS YOUR VAGINA!

2007-04-18T23:51:00.000-07:00

In a victory heralded by present and future abortion clinic bombers across the country, five elderly gentlemen, one of whom with a notorious penchant for only the most intense porno money can buy, declared the uterus of every woman in the country the sole property of the Supreme Court.

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court upheld the Partial Birth Abortion Ban, which allowed mothers to terminate their child up to six months after it was born, often with a sledge hammer and a great deal of maniacal laughter.

''I applaud the Court for its ruling today, and my hope is that it sets the stage for further progress in the fight to ensure our nation's laws respect the sanctity of unborn human life,'' Rep. John Boehner of Ohio told the New York Times.

He went on to add, "and hopefully these children will grow up to be congressional pages, who my colleagues will attempt to have underage sexual intercourse with, and which I will do my best to cover up, or at the least, make really great videos of."

In reality, the procedure constitutes 1.4% of all abortions in the country, and the term "partial birth abortion" itself doesn't medically exist; it's a creation of Florida Republican Charles Canady and popularized by the editorial page of the ultraconservative Washington Times.

VIRGINIA TECH EXPLOITATION CHAMPIONSHIP, ROUND 1

2007-04-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

As promised, today marks the kick off of the Virginia Tech Exploitation Championship. A great deal of totally awful people have come with a previously expressed confidence in their short passing game and an almost palpable swagger that says, "If I wasn't busy exploiting this horrifying tragedy for my own personal gain, I'd probably be off raping something small and defenseless." These truly are people playing at a whole different level, and should be shunned, beaten, and driven into the sea.

Let's go to the floor with today’s action!

Representing the National Review, conservative writer and professional racist John Derbyshire!

"As NRO's designated chickenhawk, let me be the one to ask: Where was the spirit of self-defense here? Setting aside the ludicrous campus ban on licensed conceals, why didn't anyone rush the guy? It's not like this was Rambo, hosing the place down with automatic weapons. He had two handguns for goodness' sake—one of them reportedly a .22...

Yes, yes, I know it's easy to say these things: but didn't the heroes of Flight 93 teach us anything? "

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Representing Human Events Online, columnist and towering monument to the male warrior spirit, Nathaniel Blake!

Something is clearly wrong with the men in our culture. Among the first rules of manliness are fighting bad guys and protecting others: in a word, courage. And not a one of the healthy young fellows in the classrooms seems to have done that. …

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She's blonde, she's bold, she declared the killings another reason why we can't trust those sneaky Muslims and their murdering ways, Debbie Schlussel!

Why am I speculating that the "Asian" gunman is a Pakistani Muslim? Because law enforcement and the media strangely won't tell us more specifically who the gunman is. Why?

Even if it does not turn out that the shooter is Muslim, this is a demonstration to Muslim jihadists all over that it is extremely easy to shoot and kill multiple American college students.

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A ferocious Floridian, attorney and culture critic Jack Thompson brings his patented "video games are the cause of all violence" offense to FOX news before the identity of the killer was even known! You've got mail, baby!

"The FBI and Secret Service found that the most common denominator for shootings prior to Columbine was that the perpetrator was immersed in "incredibly violent entertainment, most notable video games."

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Catch up with us tomorrow as four more irreparably broken human beings take to the court to show who can sink the lowest and come home with the big prize. The Virginia Tech Exploitation Championship, feel the magic!

JOHN EDWARDS HAIR FABULOUS!

2007-04-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press cuts to the heart of the campaign of broad grinning/empty headed sex doll and former North Carolina senator John Edwards today, reporting that Edwards regularly gets haircuts that cost $200 dollars a piece.

He also has declared before the ultra-powerful American Israeli Political Action Committee that as president he'd bomb Iran just to drink their precious terrorist tears.

But back to his haircut, which is totally gay!

FEC records show Edwards also availed himself of $250 in services from a trendy salon and spa in Dubuque, Iowa, and $225 in services from the Pink Sapphire in Manchester, N.H., which is described on its Web site as ''a unique boutique for the mind, body and face'' that caters mostly to women.

...

Campaign records also show the former North Carolina senator's campaign paid $248 on March 1 to the Designworks Salon in Dubuque. According to Designworks' Web site, the salon and spa features a wide variety of beauty and
health services, including massages, facials, body polishes, self tanners, and rosemary mint and Caribbean therapy body wraps.

No really, The Pink Sapphire! You almost want a pair of $300 dollar designer jeans and a carefree life of male-on-male sex just thinking about it.

This kind of take no prisoners campaign journalism is what a desolate hellscape of a two year long presidential campaign is all about: the Edward'sHairCutGate being the impossibly brain damaged cousin of "Is Obama Black Enough?!" mania, the "Mitt Romney Is Secretly A Polygamist!" craze, and even the "Hillary Is Likable, But Could You Have A Beer With Her?!" question.

The Press Corp, with the ability to knock the truth out of these tastefully decorated creations of focus group tested buzz words and attractive pant suits like the piñatas of meaningless babbling shit they are, wants to treat their readers like they've been huffing paint and reading Lucky magazine all day.

For those looking for a more meaningful dialogue on the campaign for the presidency, the editorial staff has been assured that the information in this entry on magic mushrooms is somewhat accurate, and that Lyndon LaRouche supporters are both numerous and hillarious to talk to.

LOU DOBBS: SEXY PAGE 3 MEDIA SHILL!

2007-04-17T23:37:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of our birth mother and lasting inspiration, Rupert Murdoch's impossibly evil, nonstop awesome British tabloid The Sun, we at Chug Bleach are going to rip off one of their ideas: The Page 3 Girl. In Britain, the Page Three Girl gets naked between scintillating pages on what ferocious group of colored people the United States so rightly bombed the shit out of this week.

Thank God for Rupert Murdoch!

And at Chug Bleach, we like sexy. But we also hate soulless media whores. So, we offer as our new Wednesday feature, the Page Three Media Shill...

You know him from such white power programs as Lou Dobb's Moneyline and Lou Dobb's Tonight, and from his enormously disproportionate and orange tinged head. Money Honey Lou Dobbs has been the public face of getting paid and hating immigrants since his successful return to CNN in 2000.

Life got you down? Let Lou Dobbs find the Mexican who is the source of all your ills. The chance that that very Mexican is in your driveway now selling your child drugs right now? High. And wait until you find out what buildings he and his Arab terrorist buddies plan to blow up. Corn tortillas and burkas everywhere.

BREAKING! WOLFOWITZ TO WORLD BANK: 'FUCK OFF, DIE'

2007-04-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

World Bank chief and Iraq war mastermind Paul Wolfowitz steadfastly refuses to resign under mounting pressure from other World Bank nations regarding his inclination towards buying the sweet affections of his many lady friends. Wolfowitz offered an apology after being exposed as having used his position to get his mistress a high ranking job in the State Department and a raise of nearly 30%, making her salary higher than even that of Condaleeza Rice.

Reports Heather Stewart of The Guardian, getting sensual while forcing himself on the economies of the third world might not even be everything Wolfowitz had hoped it would:

When Wolfowitz was appointed two years ago, there were fears his arrival was part of a US plot to emasculate a multilateral institution for which Bush was known to have little sympathy. But since he arrived, with his team of highly paid hot-shot advisers, staff have been more anxious about Wolfowitz's tendency to drift directionlessly from one favourite policy to another, and pick fights with donor countries.

With this latest crisis mounting, Wolfowitz is set up for an almost unprecedented Three-peat of massive US government fuck ups, putting up the kind of dominating numbers that give birth to legends of the game.

Iraq? Raging genocide.

World Bank? Collapsing.

All that remains is for him to be made Czar of Doe Eyed Orphans With Adorable Lisps, and to order them all butchered and tossed in an incinerator.

CABLE NEWS EXPLOITING TRAGEDY FOR FUN AND PROFIT!

2007-04-17T01:02:00.000-07:00

There is nothing even remotely funny about what happened at Virginia Tech this morning: if anything, it spotlights the sick, tragic depths to which an unhinged human soul is capable. Those lost were at the beginning of their lives, about to add to the narrative of our shared existence. This act of mass murder is a soul numbing experience, a kick in the face to the basic idea that we're all basically good people.

The only thing to really hope for now is healing and quiet respect for the loss of so many.

But as CNN 'cyborg news thing' Paula Zahn proved this morning, healing makes for shitty television. It's time to fucking blame somebody. Somebody evil, or failing that, incompetent. Expect nothing less than a perfect storm of mental deficient evangelicals, the gun lobby, the anti-gun lobby, up and coming TV news personalities, prophets of impending cultural doom, and all other manner of semi-human creatures to turn this into their moment to shine. Think Anderson Cooper in full 'Edward R. Murrow chic combat reporter mode' running around theatrically as downtown Beirut was reduced to cinders around him. Where were the Lebanese in all those collapsed buildings? Who cared! Anderson Cooper looked stunning!

So in the spirit of the occasion, we at Chug Bleach have decided on a contest: we will take the best (worst) examples of wretched whoredom and/or self promotion from the fields of government and media, and pit them in a vicious battle royale against each other to decide who is the worst human being of all. The "winner" will be fed face first into a woodchipper, or some other completely deserving prize to be announced at a later date.

Nominations may be sent to: ChugBleach@gmail.com. The first entries are tomorrow.

THOMPSON: IF I WERE A RICH MAN!

2007-04-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

Noting the run away success of 2008 rival Rudy Giuliani’s policy of declaring all racial stereotypes to be not only hilariously true but totally the best way to base your foreign policy decisions, former Wisconsin governor and "Anti-Semite For A Day!" winner Tommy Thompson congratulated the Jews on being fantastic at hoarding money in their secret Jew banks.

Shmuel Rosner of Haaretz, reports on Thompson's stumbling love letter to Jewish hearts every where from Washington:

Former Wisconsin governor and Republican presidential hopeful Tommy Thompson told Jewish activists Monday that making money is "part of the Jewish tradition," and something that he applauded.

Speaking to an audience at the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism in Washington D.C., Thompson said that, "I'm in the private sector and for the first time in my life I'm earning money. You know that's sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that."

Thompson later apologized for the comments that had caused a stir in the
audience, saying that he had meant it as a compliment, and had only wanted to highlight the "accomplishments" of the Jewish religion.

He went on to add, "Accomplishments such as the way you control the media, moving people around like pawns in an international chess game to further your goals of one world government. Fantastic! I'll barely put up a fight when the shadowy masters of Jerusalem order me caged like an animal for my Christian beliefs."

Sensing further crowd discontent, he then congratulated the African Americans in the audience for their "near animal sexual prowess, from all available multi-racial pornography I've watched."

Governor Thompson is lagging in the 2008 Republican field.

CHUG BLEACH RELAUNCH! WORLDWIDE!

2007-04-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

Some quick notes regarding the birth of the New Chug Bleach, our new hi-definition Editorial Policy, Libel, and the fact that on good days we may be trying to do something approaching the fringes of the hideous nine headed beast known as journalism.

-My first and only editorial goal with Chug Bleach is to tell the truth, and be funny, and hopefully piss people off for the right reasons. The minute it deviates from that goal, I will close the publication, and start writing graphic, brutally uncompromising erotica. It will all be about bearded media personality Wolf Blitzer.

-We’re expanding to a set publishing schedule of 5+ posts a day, with special daily features planned. The site layout has changed, and will probably continue to change until we learn proper web design. Which will be never.

-If it is satire, it will be obvious. The people covered in Chug Bleach will all for the most part be horrible in every possible way, and will probably be reported on in such light. John McCain may actually hunt the homeless for sport, but until someone sends us the pictures, all outrageous claims are assumed to be of a satirical nature.

-Do you have a semi-coherent political thought process, or at the very least a cheap, petty, violent inclination? We will be happy to post your 200 to 400 word grievance against the government, with only minor grammatical editorial oversight.

Please send all unsolicited manifestos and retarded fucking racist nonsense/tips to ChugBleach@gmail.com.

-We now have a Facebook Group. It really is the worst thing you can possibly imagine. Tell your online friends! We depend on your apathy to drive us to new heights.

Ryan S. Jackson
Editor

A MERE SECONDS FROM PRESIDENT CHENEY?!

2007-04-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

As reported by the Detroit News, Ford CEO Alan Mulally intervened only seconds before a confused President Bush attempted to insert an electrical plug into a hydrogen fuel cell during a demonstration of Ford's new hydrogen-electric powered car on the South Lawn of the White House.

"I just thought, 'Oh my goodness!' So, I started walking faster, and the President walked faster and he got to the cord before I did. I violated all the protocols. I touched the President. I grabbed his arm and I moved him up to the front," Mulally said. "I wanted the president to make sure he plugged into the electricity, not into the hydrogen.
This is all off the record, right?"

The resulting detonation would have rendered the president a shrieking human torch, with a hapless White House press corp standing by in mute horror.

Somewhere in a joyless dystopian future narrowly avoided, God Emperor Dick Cheney howls a shrill and terrifying call that pierces the eerie calm, and orders the population of San Francisco back to work in the salt mines.

RUDY TO ARABS: STOP LOOKING THE SAME!

2007-04-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

For most people, a huge party or crowded business gathering can create the ultimate chance for a night ruining faux pas; you've had a drink, maybe snuck off to bathroom and ingested massive amounts of soul twisting hallucinogens to deal with the horrifying reality of the world outside, and now you can't remember who is who. The waifish girl with the short black hair and the horn rimmed glasses who only wanted to talk to you about Xiu Xiu morphs into the waifish girl with short black hair and horn rimmed glasses who wanted to talk to you about the Arcade Fire.

Fuck! Which one was Tina, and which one was Amy? They both looked the same!

For Rudy Giuliani, this happens everyday, except in place of girls at a party, its Muslims. They all love terrorism so much, how are they supposed to be told apart? The easy answer for the former Mayor of New York, is murder all of them indiscriminately.

As for Iran, Mr. Giuliani said that “in the long term,” it might be “more dangerous than Iraq.”

He then casually lumped Iran with Al Qaeda. “Their movement has already displayed more aggressive tendencies by coming here and killing us,” he said.

Mr. Giuliani was asked in an interview to clarify that, inasmuch as Iran had no connection to the Sept. 11 attacks. Further, most of its people are
Shiites, whereas Al Qaeda is an organization of Sunnis.

“They have a similar objective,” he replied, “in their anger at the modern
world.”

He then went on to clarify his clarification, "It's like the Chinese. They're all deadly kung fu masters with an insatiable need for fried rice."

MITT ROMNEY TO NATURE: MURDER IS THE AGENDA

2007-04-07T02:44:00.000-07:00

Differing campaign accounts of the amount of animals killed by Polygamist Secret Agent/former Governor Mitt Romney have led to embarrassment over claims that Romney has been shooting living things all his life.

Mitt Romney’s camp spent Thursday dealing with a dust-up over an Associated Press story that said Mr. Romney’s hunting experience was not what he had been making it out to be on the campaign trail as he sought to appeal to pro-gun Republicans, a powerful force in the primary races.

At a community forum in Keene, N.H., on Tuesday, when asked about his stance on guns by a man wearing an N.R.A. cap, Mr. Romney said twice that he’d been a hunter “pretty much all my life.”

By Thursday, his campaign was forced – following those news reports that he had hunted only as a teenager and then at a preserve last year in Georgia – to clarify his record.

To prove his point and reinforce loyalty to a wavering hunting community, Romney produced a loaded pistol and shot a small child in the audience. He then muddled things by announcing that he's been shooting small children all his life.

JOHN EDWARDS HATES FOX NEWS, ROMANCES THE INTERNET

2007-04-07T02:21:00.000-07:00

“But we believe there's just no reason for Democrats to give Fox a platform to advance the right-wing agenda while pretending they're objective. If there was any uncertainty as to Fox's objectivity, it was put to rest when they attacked Democratic candidates, Democratic constituency groups, and the Nevada Democratic party when their last proposed debate was cancelled for lack of support."

You hear that Fox News? John Edwards isn’t going to be in your debate. Your deal is done. He’s leading on the real issues now. He saunters up to the matter at hand, wrestles it to the ground, steps on its throat, rips its primal heart still beating from its chest and devours it whole, right before the blazing eyes of the viewing public.

And his campaign is going to change the world.

Somewhere out there, a working mom coming off her second shitty job to her two kids and stack of impossible bills can log on to JohnEdwards.com and write a campaign blog. Or join his “One Corp”, where on her five minute break she can get together over coffee with other Edwards supporters and figure out how best to get the “Two Americas” message out. Assuming she doesn’t get the shit kicked out of her on the walk from the bus to her apartment by a crack fiend looking for money for, well, crack (or money to give to help John Edwards create a new America!), she can go to bed safe knowing that Edwards is standing up to Fox News.

No matter how dire your situation, how hopeless every day appears, how completely fucked you are economicaly, John Edwards has a thing on his website for you. Unless you're poor, in which case he wants to help you by making sure you can earn seven dollars an hour, which will end the cycle of poverty and violence in your neighborhood forever.

But for those with spare time and expendable income, welcome to the wonderland future of politics. And boy, do we have a way to make you feel important and involved. And your obsession with right wing media bias because you're not spending all of your sparetime worrying about having your power shut off? Watch us pander, baby!

On the internet this is the face of raw, hammerfuck politics, “playing it smart rather than safe this time around,” as a contributor on Daily Kos noted.

It’s this kind of bold thinking that has Edwards redefining politics as we know it.

…..

The crowd draws still as former senator Edwards approaches the podium and lays out a comprehensive statement on his support for puppies and rainbows, and strongly condemns sex offenders and Nazi’s. “I’ve always hated Nazi’s and always will, and in a new America, we’ll stand up for the rights of adorable puppies and against Nazis and child rapists, and I’m not afraid to tell that straight to the American people!”

…..

That we’ve come to a point where a man can campaign on a platform of “strengthening America’s middle class” and “restoring America’s moral leadership in the world” and not be jeered roundly and ripped limb from immaculately tanned limb as the cynical fucking test tube mutant he is says something terrible about us.

But that we’ve spawned a political movement that sees itself as the hyper-involved shock troops of a revolution, and then falls all over itself to madly hump the leg of a guy hustling the sloppy seconds of Bill Clinton’s 1996 meaningless bullshit in folksy dulcet tones while occasionally throwing a punch at an easy villain like the network that employs fascist mental deficients like Sean Hannity is hideous.

MYSPACE PRIMARY FIRST SIGN OF IMPENDING NATIONAL COLLAPSE

2007-04-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

Since it’s inception in 2003, MySpace has emerged as a kind of voyeuristic zoo for those looking on the brutally retarded picture of American youth and the culture of self absorbed dumb that it has given birth to: a violent froth of bad Goth poetry, semi-literate future poll dancers, and those rounding the bend at high and terrifying speeds towards a future of crack use and off and on attendance at the DeVry Institute.

So what better way to give a perfect glimpse of how completely fucked we are as a society than by having MySpace give these harbingers of doom in Playboy baby-tees the chance they need to cast a make believe internet vote in the presidential primary.

Scheduled to take place on January 1st and 2nd of 2008, the online primary will be open to all 65 million Americans using MySpace, and to be preceded by straw polling beginning in May of 2007.

As quoted by the Associated Press, "The MySpace community will give America its first presidential primary winner in 2008," said Chris DeWolfe, CEO of MySpace.

Co-conspirator and omnipresent uber-friend MySpace president Tom Anderson chimed in, "Iowa and New Hampshire may be selecting delegates, but the MySpace vote will be the first test of where candidates stand in the election year."

Seeing how the campaigns will cope with this ~~abortion~~ internet primary will be a truly exciting glimpse into how people with no real clue about how anyone under the age of fifty thinks will try to best market themselves to young voters. A Pandora’s Box of hilariously soulless white people embarrassing themselves publicly is opening, and honestly it’s the duty of anyone under the age of 35 to press these people as hard as possible; if we can’t get a sunny John Edwards quoting Petey Pablo’s “Freak-a-leak” by the end of this, then we’ve all failed as a generation.

MCCAIN VS. THE ZIONIST CONSPIRACY!

2007-04-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

Senator John McCain's long and vicious shadow war against the Elders of Zion and their branch office that controls the Bureau of Labor Statistics took a turn towards victory yesterday with the hiring of new National Finance co-Chair Fred Malek.

In a story picked up by The Nation's Washington bureau chief David Corn, Fred Malek served as White House chief of personnel during the waning days of 1971, as an increasingly unhuninged president Nixon sought the destruction of the shadowy enemies that lurked in every dark corner. Nixon's suspicions of a "Jewish Cabal" that ran the Bureau of Labor Statistics led him to ask Malek to do a headcount of Jews in the agency, and then report back. Malek provided the names of 13 of the highest ranking Jewish members of the BLS, two of which were transferred to lower posts.

Malek, in retrospect, found the actions he was asked to carry out "ridiculous", and the idea of a Jewish conspiracy within the BLS determined to destroy Nixon "nonsense." So nonsensical in fact, that he carried out his orders without protest and went on to commit a slough of other felonies for the president, later to be investigated at length during the Watergate hearings.

With like responding to like, looking deep into the eyes of the utterly demented Senator John McCain must bring some kind of knowing warmth that spreads through the putrid veins to the hideously lifeless heart of a career fascist like Malek. That jowly rage which envelops the Arizona senator, leading him to declare Iraq safe and Abu Zarqawi not only not dead but a brutal and unrelenting zombie threat that will follow us back to our own shores if we were to leave Iraq; Fred Malek is finally home again.

For his part, McCain, with his campaign in what can best be described with the phrase "hellish death spin", welcomed Malek to the campaign: "Fred is an inspiring public servant who has served our nation well. I am honored to have his support and look forward to his guidance and counsel in the days and months ahead."

The Elders of Zion, in their secret lair deep within the bowels of the European banking society, could not be reached for comment.

ATTORNEYSCANDALPALOOZA, BABY

2007-04-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

For those looking to catch up on a busy week of Justice Department officials who just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything, here’s a timeline for this week of the fantastical verbal contortionists who appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee regarding the fired US Attorneys.

Think of it like Cirque du Soleil, except instead of whimsy and Frenchmen, it’s the executive branch of government raping our collective trust that there may be at least some area of government that hasn’t been corrupted into a political blunt instrument of the present White House.

March 24th: Justice Department liaison to the White House Monica “Buzz Saw” Goodling announces she will be taking an indefinite leave of absence from her current duties. As reported in the Legal Times, Buzz Saw’s interview technique for future US Attorney’s was to ask them on a scale of 1 to 10 how much they loved unlimited executive power, and then to dismiss any she thought lacked necessary loyalty to the Bush White House.

Oddly, Goodling appeared to have had a long history of being the savage right hand of many within the Republican National Committee, including RNC opposition research guru and Karl Rove aide Tim Griffin. Griffin later appeared as the White House pick to be US Attorney for Eastern Arkansas. The words you might be searching for are, “Oh snap.”

"The president continues to have confidence in the attorney general. As the Justice Department said last night, these new documents are not inconsistent with its previous statements." - Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino

March 26th: Buzz Saw announces she will be taking the 5th when appearing before congress. Her legal council offers up this reasoning for her reluctance, "certain members of the Senate Judiciary Committee have already reached conclusions about the matter under investigation and the veracity of the testimony provided by the Department of Justice to date."

Future President Duncan Hunter rolls out yet another line of reasoning for the sacking of Carol Lam, the most high profile of the Attorney firings, which is a lack of minor drug case prosecutions. Hunter is believed to have just missed being brought up on charges by Lam, which makes Hunter’s remarks totally believable/not even vaguely ridiculous and or stupid.

"I understand the concern. I understand that people might think that there are inconsistencies. But as I read it, I think that he has been consistent." -Dana Perino.

March 27th: "The attorney general has some work to do on Capitol Hill, and that remains true today." - Dana Perino.

March 29th: Alberto Gonzales's former chief-of-staff Kyle Sampson appears before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Under oath he mentions that Gonzales’s previous statements to the committee might not have been, “entirely accurate.”

Under questioning Sampson acknowledges that he took part in “bad faith” attempts to install US Attorney without senate confirmation using the Patriot Act. He also acknowledges he considered adding Scooter Libby prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to the list, which even appears to have horrified Karl Rove and Harriet Myers. When asked what compelled him to do such a thing, he responded, "I'm not sure. I think it was maybe to get a reaction from them."

Asked by Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont what would define a “Loyal Bushie”, an important qualification in the new hiring scheme, Sampson replies, "In my emails, by referring to loyal Bushies or loyalty to the President or the Attorney General, I meant loyalty to their policies and the priorities they had laid out for US Attorneys."

March 30th: "You can have full confidence in somebody and believe that they still have work to do and believe that they're going to get that work done." - Dana Perino.

internet infamy

2007-03-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

Not only did I get a link from Wonkette, but they bit my Fred Thompson joke.

This is totally what Paul Wall meant when he said, "I've got the internet goin nuts."

He also said, "Wine and dine/but not this time/I pimp the keyboard/I'm online", and, "So I log on to the Facebook/I'm tryin to find me a good look/I'm lookin for a lil' one night love/I throw the bait and they bite the hook", neither of which are really all that important in the current context but go a long way towards bridging the unspoken gap between hip hop and anonymous sex with girls on Facebook.

Everyone Loves Elizabeth Edwards

2007-03-27T01:22:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Edward's Cancer-gate Update:

EXCLUSIVE: At a Hollywood fundraiser Friday night, John Edwards told donors that he and wife Elizabeth heard personally from every candidate and their spouse after their press conference -- except the Clintons.

"He said Hillary and Bill didn't call but all the others did with messages of support. He repeated the story to each table," an attendee told me. I'm told that a member of Hillary Clinton's team sent an email afterwards to at least one politico "claiming her staff had been repeatedly trying to make calls to the Edwards but hadn't gotten through." So the politico emailed back the Edwards'
home phone number. "Can you imagine making that excuse?" a Hollywood Democrat
told me today.

This comes on the heels of the Nevada Health Care Forum in Las Vegas, where every candidate had two things in common: vague, utterly bullshit nonanswers on the subject of universal health care, and unbound messages of hope and/or courage for Elizabeth Edwards.

Which obscures the controversy vis-a-vis Hillary or Obama, who had the website update with a message of hope and/or courage to Elizabeth Edwards first.

In choosing a candidate, I find tactful responses to semi-relevant tragedy over domestic or foreign policy isn't just a winning concept, but a determining factor. I think the best possible thing would be if we could kill Princess Diana again, and then chose who's mournful press release best encapsulates real longing over the death of someone we've all come to love as everyone's princess. She did, after all, live her life like a candle in the wind.

Needless to say, I don't know if I could in good conscience vote for a woman who couldn't even manage to express her condolences before the sputtering campaign of long-shot candidate and former senator Mike Gravel.

Oh no they didn't

2007-03-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

There's probably a conspiracy here, but it has a lot more to do with Time considering its audience to be utterly braindead rather than a conscientious attempt to shill for anybodies foreign policy disaster.

Having dragged the "Historical Jesus Revealed!" pony from the stable, ridden it to death, fucked it, eaten it, and danced on its soul, somebody had to come up with some pale puree of journalistic crap to cover for the fact that Time is teetering at the point of complete and total collapse. Seriously. Given the choice between sitting down for some serious time with Swampland and shoving a fork into an electrical socket, I'll choose the fork (and will see Jay Carney in hell).

Enter David Van Biema and "The Case for Teaching the Bible." Or don't. Rachel Sklar summarizes it as, "Of course the Bible should be taught in schools. Duh. It's religion that shouldn't be." I think it's probably missing the addendum, "but some opportunistic cunt will use it as an excuse to teach religion, but why let a few bad apples spoil an utterly reasonable chance for abuse and mass indoctrination?" The article is total fucking tripe, every word including 'is', 'and', and 'the'.

But its a warm and reasonable tripe, giving Christian supremacy in culture a soft but firm pat on the head while acknowledging its chance for abuse, soothing outraged liberal readers. You'll either agree or disagree, but boy won't the respectful water cooler discussions the next morning be something.

Regardless, it's an easier thing to latch your brain onto than, "and then the country we liberated fell back into the hands of radical fundamentalists, paving a way for executions, religious warfare, and unlimited export of heroin". That's a downer, and doesn't sell magazines. Hence why we're soft peddling this kind of thing to American audiences.

Journalism as it should be: the warm glass of milk before bed.

utterly forsaken by god

2007-03-23T01:01:00.000-07:00

In an exclusive to Pajama's Media, former GOP senator and present Law and Order country bear jamboree stand-in Fred Thompson talks about his views on the movie "300".

And I was totally going to write about it, but then I started crying and I didn't know why. And then I realized it was because I was trying to summarize Fred Thompson's views on the movie "300", and that my life has become a complete and total sham.

No seriously, fuck you, internet. Fuck you right in the ear.

Late Edit: I replaced my glowering picture of Fred Thompson with a picture of Slick Rick. For a number of reasons, but mostly because Fred Thomspon is beginning to embody everything I hate in this entire universe, and well, it's Slick Rick.

And Then Everyone Goes To Prison

2007-03-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

"The executive branch is under no compulsion to testify to Congress, because
Congress in fact doesn't have oversight ability."

Which is what Tony Snow told ABC News about congressional subpoenas inquiring about the White Houses role in the sacking of federal prosecutors who made the mistake of investigating Republicans who broke the law. Or Republicans who wanted their false blanket statements that other people broke the law investigated as fact. Or really anyone who could be better replaced by a completely unquestioning administration cyborg.

Snow's statement makes total sense when you get past the fact that it's completely not true , and that Tony Snow is now apparently the mayor of Makebelieve Land and rides to press conferences on a lollipop train powered by evil, utter dillusion, and a belief that the American public are completely fucking retarded. But when you know with almost total certainty that everyone you pass in the hallway on the way to the coffee machine is going to go to prison (except possibly Cheney, who will be driven back to the submerged tomb of R'lyeh, deep beneath the waves), you'd probably just be fucking making things up as you went along too.